A Few Thoughts On The Future

And by that, I'm talking about the near future (the next 4-6 weeks) and the next 6 months.  Roughly.

This is probably the understatement of the year, but it's going to be tough.  Very tough.  Even with the way things have been and the way I have been treated and a feeling that it was going to end this way more often then not, this new "Reality", the fact that what I was always afraid of and never wanted to happen, IS going to happen.  Regardless of when I file, this is the way it's going to be.  And the sooner I accept that, the better.

I have been overwhelmed with the meaning and reality of all this for the past 3 weeks or so.  It might take awhile, but I do have to remember a few things:

• We've been separated for good for almost 22 months.  Even though not divorced and me always thinking that somehow, someway we would be back together, the fact is we haven't been a part of each other's lives for a long, long time.  It still hurts.  But I can't act like it was 2 years ago.  THAT was hard.  I think I have to realize when I finally let go there is a lot of negativity that will go with it.  No wondering what she is doing.  Why she is treating me this way, what I could possibly do to make it work.  I've done that for a long time.  Almost 3 years I have lived with this shitty reality.  I have suffered a lot in trying to make it work and I realize that was a losing battle.  It has taken a lot out of me and eventually that will be gone.
• Part of this process will be focusing on me.  Getting back into running.  Doing stuff to be productive - whether something towards the job hunt or learning something or just personal productivity.
• Not that I think I have to worry about it - but I am just going to keep my mouth shut until I pick up Todd.  No rhetoric, no nothing.  But I have to move forward with the reality that this is the way it's going to be.  Not thinking wistfully that somehow she will come to her senses.  I am fairly certain that is NEVER going to happen.  I've always said this, but I think I will mention it again.  She may never come to her senses - the "wake up and smell the coffee moment" - but if she does, it will be far too late.  I wouldn't expect anything from her in the way of offers of reconciliation.  Not even after I don't talk to her for 3 weeks.  Even if she does at some point before I file, I certainly don't expect it to be anything different from what it's ever been.  No remorse, no backing off her same, tired stories.  I might be willing to listen, but I would really have to get the impression she was sincere.  I don't think it's possible.  I would accept virtually nothing of the way it is right now.  And she doesn't even want to admit that any of it is wrong, much less do anything about it.