My Current State Of Mind

Keeping in mind that my current state of mind is, well...possibly messed up, this is what I feel:

Depression/sadness/generally upset at the idea that it is probably done for good this time.  At the same time, I'm kicking myself for letting myself put up with this shit for this long.  Having unrealistic expectations.  Not putting pieces of the puzzle together quickly enough.  For letting it get me down to the point that I have been severely depressed/unable to do much of anything at all over the past 3 weeks on the medicine, despite the need to get things done.  And most certainly, anger at Shelly for being the way she is and repeatedly lying to me and hiding things, misrepresenting things, and generally making it impossible for us to continue.  I guess it's one of those things that there was just too much water under the bridge, but you would think that someone who says they want to work things out PLUS has her son down here that there would have been more attempts to see us or have us come up there.  I know it's unrealistic to think she would come straight home for work and I'm not even suggesting that's necessary.  But goddamn.  Hanging out at bars, getting wasted and making out with dudes.  Fuckbuddies.  Flirting.  Having guys buy her drinks.  Basically every time she went out she had a sign that said "Available/FUCK ME NOW".  Getting on to dating sites.  And knowing she's not going to stop any of it.  And also knowing there's no way in hell that she is going to change.  And no matter what I do, I'm still down here and she's up there.  And because she wants to act the way she does, I will always think she's hiding something and doing shit that I wouldn't like.  Because she probably is.  And if I think she's going to apologize for anything besides a generic "I'm sorry".   But she won't change.