I know you don't care. That you have made painfully obvious. The way you have chosen to go about things over the past 2.5 months and especially lately has caused me pain beyond belief. I can take no more and that's why I just give up. Yes, I am angry. I am angry, hurt, confused and just about every negative emotion you could possibly think of and this is the only way I can think of to make it stop.
And even this will hurt for a very long time, because I never wanted this and am only doing it because I can't see a solution. Ever. And the thought of continuing this way I can't even bear to imagine anymore. I know what my faults are. I fully understand what led us to the things that happened 3 years ago. A lot has happened in the last 2 years and there have been many times once I actually found out the truth (since more often than not I sure as hell did not know it at the time) I thought THAT particular time was my breaking point. This is my breaking point. I could be wrong, but this all started over that damn brighton bracelet incident. You don't even get it, do you? I never have a valid reason for getting upset with you. You are the one that started the whole damn thing and you claim not to remember it, I guess because you were drunk. You made a very convincing story. About him giving you his credit card to buy it. That was the only reason I was upset. When you told me about him (once again, when you were drunk) it was yet another instance of realizing that you had been screwing someone behind my back SINCE the time YOU had the grand idea of us "working things out". The only other one I know of is Fireman, and that was bad enough on its own. You don't seem to realize and/or care what that means to me. I've said this many times. I'm sure you either just deleted the message at the time or whatever...but in what universe is it acceptable to tell someone you want to work things out AND screw people behind their back? It's not in my universe. The Shelly I've known up until 3 years ago would have found it unacceptable. Your idea...of marriage and separation and working things out are just totally fucked up. Can I tell you what to do? Of course not. But as I have said may times, if fucking other people was so high on your agenda that you just HAD to do it, there's something called DIVORCE. Either that or at the very least say Todd, screw you - we're not divorced and might not be for awhile but I never want to have anything with you again, we are done, period. And then go on your merry way and do everything you want exactly the way you want. And I wouldn't be able to say a damn thing. Makes sense to me. But not to you, apparently. No...you had to keep on saying how much you loved me and later approach and say you want to work things out. But STILL do that shit behind my back. And KNOWING how much it would hurt me. And when I did find out, it did hurt and still does. And you showed absolutely no remorse about it ever, And never apologized. I have to believe that's because you weren't sorry. Just like fireman. In fact you practically said it - the only thing you were sorry about was that I found out. And the way you treat me down here - especially when Todd is in school. You treated us like used toys that were hidden away in the bottom of the toy box, forgotten. Sometimes you would dig through the box and find us and you'd play with us. Every 5 or 6 weeks. Can you imagine ME - how that made me feel? I thought of you all the time. Wanted to be with you. That's the way it works when you really give a damn. And you would just happily carry on with your life up there. Drinking with the girls. Drinking with Jolene. Going about your business @ concerts. Comedy clubs, State Fairs...whatever...while we rotted down here. Then there's your famous story of one of your friends saying she wanted a single life just like yours. Your reply - oh know you don't. It was the worst mistake of my life. My husband is gone, my son is gone...that sounds like someone who cared, who wanted to change things. But you never really did. Not for long. Everything you have done has sabotaged any attempt we've had to get back together. And still you kept doing it. Everything about you and the way you act tells me something different from the words that come out of your mouth. I think you like it like this because you have done everything in your power to ensure it stays that way, permanently. And you take absolutely NO responsibilty for any of it. It's all MY fault for getting upset/mad about the way you have acted. Not your fault for causing it. And that little tidbit you shared about time time I got upset about the Brighton Bracelet - that what I had was a ToddFit™ and I "must be punished for it". That one really takes the cake. You started all that shit by making up something that never happened...just to push my buttons...and then you claim you don't remember doing it. And my punishment? Well...that's what started all this. First you said we need to "take a break" to "figure out what we wanted". Well. I guess you were on your break. You barely ever contacted me. And that just upset me more. Which led to a couple of big blowups this summer. But the final thing, the one thing on top of everything else that really made me understand where exactly we were...was you being worried about me being able to "stalk you" on your phone. That told me plain as day that you were doing shit that you didn't want me to know about. That there was another part of your life that you wanted to keep compartmentalized and hidden away from me. That was a crushing blow. We were back at negative square 1. And that's when I knew that this was it. I knew my fairy tale dream of "Us back together" was never, ever going to happen and I was probably the absolute biggest idiot in the world for ever thinking it COULD happen. And it's been all downhill since then. For the last 2-3 weeks I've been walking around in a daze. Knowing what the truth was, yet unable to accept it. Thinking about what an idiot I had been. It made me feel there was never anything to this. I have always felt in my heart there was something different about us. That we both really loved each other and somehow, some way, we were meant to be. And despite our ups and downs we would figure it out. Not any more. Not after all this. And all of this lately has made me realize there is no way in hell you could really love me and do these things to me. I am sorry, but that's the new reality. I have had a hard time all along with all these things that have happened. I'm sure you are pretty familiar with my MO. No matter how upset I get, give me a day or two and I would apologize and back down. That's a good one, too. Once again, me apologizing to YOU for getting upset about something YOU did. The person who told me on our Anniversary that she didn't want a divorce because she still loved me - I guess you saying that was a "Mistake"? Just like the other times you have done this? That is a lovely thing to hear and I've heard you say it at least 3 times the past year and a half. But Shelly... you said... NOPE. IT WAS A MISTAKE. Well, the job opportunity is real at least, so at least there's that for me. I'm sorry for the anger. I have been upset. And I think this is the most upset I've been over any of our issues. BTW I lied about filing tomorrow. It won't happen tomorrow but it needs to very soon. I see no other options. I am never, ever agreeing to take any more steps backwards. You screwing whomever you want, being on a dating site... nope. I am just not going to accept that. And as the school year approaches, I was already seeing you being comfortable with seeing us every 5 or 6 weeks. Maybe. And doing the same ol' thing you do for fun up there. No, I am not going to be the guy on the back burner that you text occasionally. Or your second or third or 4th choice of lovers. You never had to threaten me with your ability to "find someone else". You had already proven it to me. Me, I am pretty certain I will not be looking for someone anytime soon. Well, I guess that's it. I just wanted to explain myself. I wonder how much, if any, you will read of this. My guess is...very little. And probably agree with less than that. After all, most of this seems to be my fault, since I am the one constantly being punished. Right? I do not plan on having any further contact at this time. I'm not backing down because I'm pretty sure I'm right. Love, Hug.
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