I do. There is no other way to describe this. And there is no other way to look at it or really hope for any change. And it is affecting me. Horribly. I have done nothing in the 3 weeks on the medicine. And I have plenty that needs to be done and it makes me feel even worse when I am so upset and depressed that I can't do one damn thing. Just the opposite of what I need to do. But there is absolutely no fucking reason to back down. That will put me right back in the fucked up black hole of confusion where I have spent much of the last 2 years, if not 3. And it almost makes me want to puke to think about being back there again. Back to the expectations (perhaps) that we are going somewhere...and yet nothing ever changes. More lies and deception. Wondering what the fuck she is doing and trying to analyze the ever-confusing mess that is Shelly's life. Having a great weekend and then when Todd gets down here...6 weeks between visits. Shelly hanging out at bars and living her life up there, compartmentalized and secret. It will drive me nuts. Like it always has. And I am just not doing it. Ever.Again. It's not right, it's destructive, it's bullshit. I will no longer be part of any kind of relationship where MY wife regularly visits a dating sites and pretty much hangs a sign on her back that says "I'm available - FUCK ME". I can't stand mistrusting the person who I love and who supposedly loves me. I will pretty much always assume the worst as long as she tries to keep it that way. And for damn good reason. Everything she has done over the past 3 years. I am goddamn sick and fucking tired of it and I'm no longer going to tolerate it. Period. And that really upsets me because I know this means this is the end. Everything I've hoped for the past 2+ years is gone. What's left of my life with her the past 22+ years will be demolished. And personally, somewhat selfishly (but the bottom of the list) - I hate the thought of starting over. I suck at dating, I don't want to spend time trying to figure another woman out. But hey. Somewhere I have to draw the line. And this is just wrong.
Right now, I am just barely surviving. At a time where I need to be kicking it up a notch on many levels. Working out. Getting ready to get a job. I just fucking despise this. And I must overcome my anger and desire to lash out at her because I just do not want to have any contact with her at all over the next 3 weeks and 5 days before I pick up Todd. None. It's easy for me to say that...but this is one of those things that I will stay on edge with for a long time.
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