Perhaps I'm just wrong about everything. All along, I've had this very basic, perhaps somewhat idealistic, naive, childlike view of "us" "love" and "marriage". This idea that deep down inside we really did love each other and it was still there and both of us really, really did want to make things work and we somehow would. Sometimes I dwell on it too much. I get zoned in on various issues and without knowing the complete facts I start speculating on what she thinks and what how what she does=this, that or another. It gets me upset/sad/depressed/negative...fill in the blank with some kind of non-positive emotion.
On the other hand, I still don't think I'm wrong about a lot of it. If you love someone and TRULY want to work things out...you just would not and cannot do the things she has done and, as far as I know, is currently doing and plans to do in the near future. I just cannot understand, no matter how hard I try, how she can say that she wants to work things out and yet she gets on dating sites for hookups (at the very least), goes to bars with her friends and flirts with guys, lets them buy her drinks, and generally gives me the impression that she basically hangs a sign on her back that says "fuck me" or I'm available, etc. Depending on the situation (Todd being up there or here)...she doesn't make the effort to want to come here or have us come up there for the weekend. Or even gives me the satisfaction of knowing that getting a job is it - do that, and we'll be together. All she ever says is things like "when I figure things out" blah blah blah. I need a hell of a lot more than that.
Is it any wonder that I feel the way I do? She says one thing and does another. I don't know if she is that messed up and/or I am just misreading signals. I can't believe sometimes that I have ever, ever, ever put up with this stuff because it just isn't right.
- Finances - One of her big things is "I work two jobs" - like that entitles her to do whatever she wants...that she is justified in her behavior. And she hates the fact that she works two jobs at all but the fact that she does and she is STILL broke just irritates her. Yes. I understand that. And she should feel that way...but one thing is for sure. She absolutely, positively should not have "nothing". I know what her bills are and what she makes. She should not be broke or anything close to it every month. Ever. That she is...means she is horribly mismanaging her money constantly. And the worse off she is financially, especially working two jobs, the more she resents me. And I have not been the one managing nor draining her finances for going on two years.
- Everything is compartmentalized. I feel like I'm shut out of her life. A lot of it is because does stuff that she doesn't want me to know about. Enough said.
- I have a lot of resentment for the way she has misrepresented facts over the years. I have a lot of guilt STILL because of what went down about that the house. I have nightmares about the time from when it was foreclosed and sold (August 6) and when we had to be out of the house (Sept 18). For awhile, Todd stayed with me there and it was just us. Things had already been moved to storage, not knowing we would actually have another 6 weeks in the house. Todd and I were opening cans with screwdrivers...heating stuff up in a new microwave we bought because Jerry taken the other one out in anticipation of us selling it...God it was awful. And the guilt? I thought I had Shelly backed into a corner about Cali, finally. Surely she would want to save her house and her marriage instead of being with that worthless goddamn piece of fucking shit with whom she "claimed" that she did not want a relationship with and was "sex only" and that he had dumped her 2 or 3 times...but what did she do? Chose him. For two years I have felt the guilt about that. Should I have just filed bk anyway and done my best to work on things? Sometimes I have thought so. But now I basically know better. From the time she got me out of the house until he dumped her for good next spring/whenever...even a month later...she was trying to make a relationship with him. Even paraded him around the family on Thanksgiving. I now figure without a doubt I NEVER had a chance. This was no fuckbuddy. She was in love with him and nothing I could have ever done or said would have made a difference. She was NEVER going to give him up until he dumped her for good to get married. In doing so, she ensured I would have to move down here, putting 135 miles between us. And then Todd had to move down here to go to school...so I am stuck here in this place because I am trying to do the right thing for my son. But it keeps me from being in a decent place to have a job and puts an extra layer of difficulty (distance) of us seeing each other and IF we are to "be together" she would have to move down here. I am supposed to enjoy this???
- I have said this many, many times - and probably listed her previously - but one thing that really, really bothers me is her insistence that she can do whatever she wants (ie: screwing other people). It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever that someone who REALLY wants to work things out would continue to INSIST upon doing this and expect it to have a positive effect on our ability to work things out. I've never been able to understand this and never will. It completely and utterly contradicts everything else she says and it really, really makes me question her desire to be with me again. I can't understand any of this...the way she is when she hangs out/getting drinks with friends/etc. Goddamn. Come home and watch fucking tv. Of course, one of the main problems is her drinking and I know it and she knows it. When she's had a few drinks (and the more she has, the worse it gets) the more likely she is to do something that...would make me unhappy. When I think of the story of her getting blasted at Bronson Rock and she doesn't remember it...and I don't remember the whole story. Something about making out with some old dude...goddamn. It just really gives me the warm fuzzies to think about that shit happening. And I figure it happens more than I know about.
- I need to have some kind of plan. And she...just doesn't even want to think that far ahead and/or do anything about it.
- Am I asking her to compromise and just say it's ok Todd - you don't have a job...just get one someday and we'll generically work on things? No. I absolutely have to...one way or another. For me. For me and Todd. For all of us, if that's what is going to happen. But I cannot live my life wondering what in the hell she is doing all the time. It rips my guts out and really fucks with my ability to get anything done. As if if I really need anything to fuck with me and my ability to get things done. It's fucking insane. It is just plain fucking wrong. I've always had the belief that it's one way or the other. Married or not. Even separated...if you express the desire to work things out, you can't do those other things. You shouldn't want to. At all. If you want to do that, then you say...even though we are not divorced, I do not anticipate us getting back together and I am going to pursue other options until we actually get divorced. Have a nice day, Todd. See ya later. Not this bullshit.
- And I just can't understand how she expects me to accept being cut out of so much of her life on a regular basis and yet I'm still supposed to care when something goes wrong/feel sorry for her for this and that...and also have an expectation that we are going to be back together somehow, someway. That is just goddamn fucking nuts. With the overall impression that she considers herself available and gets on dating sites, goes out with a "fuck me" sign on her back and shut out of knowing what goes on in her life...how the fuck am I supposed to think anything positive??? THAT is what I'm fighting for???? I've said this before - I am the one who keeps telling her to "wake up and smell the coffee" - perhaps it's me who should wake up and smell the coffee and realize that I am and have been living in a fantasyland and that nobody could treat me the way she does on a regular basis, act the way she does and really, really believe she has any real desire to work things out.
- I can't live this way. Especially when Todd is down here. We need to be able to spend regular time together. PLAN some vacation days NOW...whether it's taking some time off during the week when Todd is off or just...taking a few days off starting with a Sunday when she's really not at the studio and coming down here and spending time with me during the day and Todd in the evenings...to totally taking time off on the weekends (sometimes...) and spending complete weekends together.
- And what is my approach? I've told her these things many, many times. And still get the same old tired response. It's not something I can do via text or email. Hell, even in person probably not much better but we have had very few talks like this in person. I don't know why. But this shit cannot go on. I can't go on with it like this. I just can't. And if I had to go with a gut feeling, I'd say it was going to end very soon. And one more thing I keep thinking that I forget to add here. These things like...screwing other people. Being on dating sites. Not spending enough time with us - especially when Todd's down here. Her hanging out at bars (to the extent that she does) and flirting with guys/letting them buy her drinks...really. If you have to tell someone THAT shit is wrong and how it contradicts what she says about "working things out"...you have really lost the battle. If they don't KNOW that intuitively and refrain from doing it...something is just wrong and they are either lying about what they really want or are so fucked up that...one way or the other, things just aren't going to work. My approach? I would love just to not talk to her at all for awhile. Let her know (not just through words but actions) that this is not acceptable to me. Somehow I have never been able to do that for very long. As soon as the initial anger is over I do it. And I...just don't know it will have the same effect right now as it could (possibly) after he comes down here. If it ever will. I really don't think she cares. About me or anything.
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