It's tough. All of this has been tough, but the sooner I face reality the better. What is that reality? That's a very good question. The reality I finally faced - which really began with Shelly's concern about my possible ability to "stalk" her after helping set up her new phone - was that after all this time, I'm still facing the same old thing. Shelly wanting to do "her stuff" and not have me know anything about it, and lie and misrepresent facts to me. I resent that. Her approach all along has been to mostly place blame on me. For past, present and (I guess) future problems. She claimed to be wanting to "work things out" but in reality she wanted to do whatever the hell she wanted. For what reason, I know not. I would assume that it has something to do with Todd living down here and her not quite sure what she wanted - just in case I "found myself" or she didn't get any better offers.
As I have said many times, perhaps I have an old fashioned, naive, idealistic view of marriage. You're either married or you aren't. If you are separated and want to "work things out", you don't do that by compartmentalizing/screwing other people, and generally shutting out of your life the person with whom you're trying to work things out. You don't ask them to "not care" or "not worry" about things like that but then expect them to care other times. I just simply can't fathom her idea of "working things out". I am completely flabbergasted that she expects me to take her seriously with all of that shit going on. And I just can't take it anymore. I resent being lied to. I resent her attitude. It really makes me think that no matter what she says or said, she really didn't want it to work out. Otherwise why would she sabotage it at every turn? Is she messed up? I'm quite sure. I know I have been. I still am. Especially the more I learn. And that really messes with me as well. It's been stated many times before (and probably will be in the future), so I won't go into minute details, but my whole view of the situation starting with Cali and the way things went was totally wrong from the start. Because she lied to me, and I was naive enough not to see it and figure it out. To see what it really meant. Because I wanted to believe.
To me, it's exactly what I've said. I never had a chance up there. She was always going to make the choice of Cali over her marriage and her house (and eventually her son) because she was obsessed/in love with him. I should have known that from the many times she cried after he dumped her. Asshole. She was never going to give him up until he made it impossible (up to this point) by getting married. Of course, since both Shelly and Cali are expert adulterers, I'm not quite sure why that ever mattered. But she set the stage. She had to get me out of there. And so it got me 135 miles and 2+ hours away. That's not the only problem, but it's a huge one to overcome in any relationship. That selfishness set the stage for everything since - First me, then Todd down here for school. Necessitating the need for me to stay here...and her up there. Where in the hell do you go from there? Nowhere.
I do have to face reality. On the one hand, after getting over some of my initial anger, I realize I'll to some extent be the way I always have been. I still feel guilty. I'd rather be doing things to get us back together. But I refuse under these circumstances. I'd always be willing to talk, but I get the feeling that's not going to happen. You can't ignore someone who doesn't miss you, want to be with you, or even try to contact you. And I just don't think anything I do here is ever going to matter. So that's probably that. I'm not trying to be nor do I want to be hard headed, stubborn, or just have a heart made of stone to the point that I throw it away, but something better change in her attitude or approach in the next few months or we will be divorced. And I don't think that really matters to her.
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