I'm really perplexed. As I've said many times before, I really don't know what to think. Sometimes...I get all worked up over something like this. Time and time again I have gotten pissed to the point of never wanting to talk to her again/divorce/blah blah blah.
As time goes on, I have discovered many things I don't like, don't find acceptable, etc. Somehow, I've always managed to get over them and it always involves me backing down and/or Shelly smoothing something over. It's just sex. Don't see him very often...blah blah blah. I've always had this nagging feeling that something was wrong with it. What was I missing, if anything? What's the big picture? Plus, it always came down to Todd getting a job. Yes, that is a very big piece of the puzzle. Huge. I absolutely, positively HAVE to do it. Regardless of whether or not we are ever back together. Regardless if it's only for me. Or me and Todd. Or to be able to get us out of Mom's hair. Living here...can't be a viable solution for much longer. I'm not putting a time frame on it in order to start feeling pressure, but there is no rationale for not having one for many, many important reasons. I need an identity. I need to be able to prove myself - to myself at the very least. I need $$. This is no way to live.
She has always made so much of "you having a job". And yes, it's very important and must happen. There are no more excuses, although I really haven't been trying to make any for awhile. I've had some unfortunate situations - such as Mom saying she was going to "help me get a car" and then backing out of it numerous times - especially when I had the Malakoff sub job/etc - that really didn't help matters much. And then the surgery/running out of medicine due to high blood pressure/etc. Well, now I have a car. Such as it is. I don't like the things that are wrong with it but most of what needs to be fixed CAN be fixed and hopefully I can cope with the "overheating" problem until I can get something bettter.
But the reality of it is, with her making the comment about being concerned about being able to "stalk" her just made me realize where we still were at this time, regardless of her saying she really "hoped we worked things out" blah blah blah "still loved me" etc etc etc...but always "no guarantees"...etc and I just realized this was always going to be going on no matter what. Someone was always going to be in the background and I wasn't going to know about it. Because that's the way she HAD to have it. And that is no fucking way to make a marriage work. I don't understand - but I finally understand that I can't really believe she is serious about any of this, job or not. And the big picture? About her having to move down HERE at some point in order for us to be together (since Todd wants to go to school here)? How long is that going to take? Can I really take her seriously with all this shit going on in the background?
It just goes to show how "compartmentalized" she wants to keep our lives. Have her own secrets. Her own business. It's all about her and Jolene. And that really goddamn fucking pisses me off from someone who keeps talking about how much she "hopes we make it" and how she didn't want a divorce because she "still loved her husband". Or that it was "sex only". I am very familiar with that phrase...since she said Cali was "sex only" she "knew she couldn't have/didn't want a relationship with him. So yeah. "Sex only" is great. Bullshit. "Sex only" to the point where every time that stupid goddamn worthless sonofabitch broke up with her she cried. And when I gave her the option to save her house and marriage or have him...she chose him. Because I never had a chance. She was never going to give him up. Until he dumped her. Because she "loved" him or somesuch. How goddamn stupid. And that makes me so goddamn fucking mad to have been lied to the whole time about him and how she always completely misrepresented the situation...parading him around the family at Thanksgiving. Around my son. Getting him a job at the studio. And to hear the same goddamn bullshit almost 3 years later.
I'm finding this rather hard to deal with. I'm not mad like I was...say Monday morning. But nothing has really been said. Just pictures sent/etc.
I think about all of this and I still get pissed off. Because no matter what there has always been something going on in the background. Secrets kept. Lies told. And I absolutely despise it. And the more I think about it, the more I believe I have been a complete fool and that nothing is ever going to happen. Do I really see her moving down here, job or no job? Leaving her family and friends? If so, when is that going to happen?
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