I have a gut feeling this is probably it one way or the other. Either on my end and/or hers. If it's not, it probably should be. I know it has to be for me. My personal thinking is that we both have a lot to lose, but that doesn't seem to matter. It never has, at least to her. I understand some of her feelings, but there are just too many issues. And I have the Gary/Archie Bunker "rubbery feeling" that no matter what I do, it is just not going to get better. I know I have a tendency sometimes to focus/dwell on issues that are bothering me and read a lot more into things that I possibly shouldn't. Speculation. Thinking the worst of her. But a lot of that is for good reason. Anyway, here goes:
- The current situation doesn't surprise me at all. I'm not saying my medicine is "magic" and there are certainly drawbacks from it. Sometimes it does make me, or I allow it to let me focus in on certain aspects. Without it for 3 months, I didn't have the ability to think things through. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it's bad. I don't know. I do know all of this goes back to me getting upset (A ToddFit™, as Shelly would say) about a story SHE told while she was drunk about the damn Brighton bracelet. It was a convincing story, that softball dad gave her his credit card and said go buy yourself something nice. She later claimed not remembering to tell me that. I guess because she was drunk. Sounded pretty convincing to me. Either she's lying to cover her ass - which is possible - or she really did make it up. Either way, she was touching on a very sensitive issue with me. Like the times she talks about Cali's fucking and smiles about it. Like it was all shits and grins and nobody got hurt. Talk about insensitive. Anyway, it really pissed me off. Obviously. And I told her about it. I was already upset about finding about about the whole "softball dad" thing, which was at least one of two "hookups" or whatever from her being on POF. The other being Fireman. She doesn't even have any remorse about either of those incidents, with the exception of the fact that I found out about them. To me, that whole thing was such a shitty goddamn deal - to be saying she wanted to "work things out" and then go do that shit.
- I feel trapped here, but I feel like it is my destiny to stay here and do my best for Todd. What that means is that unless she found a way to move down here, we would never be able to be together. So I am trapped in this non-jobs mecca because I'm trying to do the right thing for Todd. And she stays up there doing whatever.
- I've hated just about everything there is about this. I get no respect for having to stay here and provide a place for Todd to enjoy/prosper in school. Everything I have learned about the Cali situation makes me realize I never had a chance up there. BK or no BK, she was not EVER going to be rid of him because she wanted him SO BADLY. If I had never thrown down the gauntlet...if we had just filed and I had gotten a job/against the odds/whatever...she was still going to fuck him. I'm sure it would have gotten to the point where she was going to see him behind my back if necessary. Regardless of the consequences, who got hurt, whatever.
- I have my doubts that anything can ever be worked out. There are too many issues and she refuses to think that anything is wrong with her approach. She wants to blame me for her financial condition. I know I am repeating myself about this, but I understand. Everyone hates to be broke. And she has especially been this way since she got the Studio job 3 years ago and is still broke. The only problem is that for the last 2 years, "I" have not been the one draining her finances. I have looked at her income and bills extensively and there's just no way in fucking hell that she should be broke all the time. She blows money out the wazoo. Yet since things are compartmentalized - she wants to keep all that info to herself. So I can't help.
- She has been wrong about her approach to everything for the last 3 years...it's been so bad that I simply cannot understand her anymore. She wants to "work things out" but she sure doesn't act like it in reality by shutting me out of her life, getting on dating sites, screwing people on demand, then getting pissed at me for getting upset about it.
- For all practical purposes, I think I have to act like this is it for good. I will never, ever be a part of such a scenario again and I don't think she has the capability nor the desire to change or do what it takes to change and take the necessary steps to "work things out". I am well aware of my issues and challenges. I absolutely must take care of my stuff and get some kind of job. There is no longer any excuse. No surgery, no lack of car (although this one does have challenges...), no nothing. I do face an enormous challenge to overcome...myself...but I have to do this. I MUST have an identity to get on with my life, and it all starts with a job and taking care of things.
- I have overlooked so many things for so long...getting upset over her dalliances. How she keeps both me AND Todd out of her life. And bottom line is she has lied her ass off to me for so long, how can I trust anything she says? What does it say about what I've been fighting for when the person I love...I can't trust? That she has lied and misrepresented situations that affect me...I don't know. I should have known better. I kick myself, but I wanted to believe. Even though there were plenty of signs.
- I won't go back under these circumstances or anything close to it. I MUST be working...but I am pretty certain that will not change things. I do not plan on contacting her on anything for awhile. I am just not going to settle for the same ol' same ol. My MO in the past is to get mad about things that I really should have gotten mad about, that anyone would get mad about, then I back down and apologize due to guilt trips, lack of job, etc.
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