Not That It Does Any Good...

But here I am yet again, trying to wrap my head around all of this.  The bottom line is, the way I feel right now...there is no way in hell we are ever going to make it.  I'm not trying to blame it all on her, but...she has done things since the Cali days that perplex me.  I know I don't have her perspective...but you can't sit there on one hand telling someone you love them and want to work things out and "I really hope we make it" and sit there and do the things she has done.  And expect it to be any other way than it is currently.  Nor give me much hope to keep this shit up for much longer, if at all.

A list of things that I think are extremely wrong:

• Telling me she wants to work it out...and then doing just about everything in her power to sabotage it from working out.  Going on dating sites to get hookups...and then having been discovered, her only response was that I shouldn't have hacked her Facebook.  And it was her fault for telling me about Softball Dad.  Although not telling me wouldn't have been right either.  How can you do those things and love someone, much less set a tone for "working things out"?  You can't.  And what caused this latest round of bickering?  Being concerned that I had remembered some of her passwords/logins/whatever for her new phone and thinking that would allow me to "stalk" her.  So what does that mean to me?  That she's got something to hide.  Otherwise she wouldn't be worried about me finding out.  Which means we are negative square 1 all over again.
• Her whole attitude about being out in bars, flirting with men, having them buy her drinks, etc.  That aggravates the goddamn shit out of me.  
• Compartmentalizing/keeping lives separate/not working on common goals.  She doesn't think about "us".   She thinks about herself and Jolene.  I never know much of what is going on in her life.  She seems to want it that way.

I don't think any of this would be possible if she really loved me.  I just don't think so.  And it can't be discussed.  Not without an argument.  How can you tell someone how insane it is to say you want to work things out but to be screwing/dating/whatever on the side?  Things that come out of her mouth and her actions are totally different.  You just CAN'T be "working things out" and "doing your own thing" at the same time.  The outcome, predictably, is...what we have here.  And that we are here yet again makes me believe it is never going to change because she doesn't want it to change.  And when I start thinking like that, it's not a leap for me to start thinking that she's never wanted it to change since Cali.  And that somewhere deep down inside, she enjoys it.  She must...or she would quit doing it.

I really, really resent her for doing these things.  Again - if she wanted to get a divorce and say I can't be with you ever again, fine.  Go do whatever.  You want to work things out with me?  You can't do these things.