That post title sounds very familiar. I might not have actually used it in the title, because I have so often felt that way lately I have blogged about it. Things have been quiet lately - at least until tonight. Mostly quiet, I guess, due to the fact that I have kept my mouth shut about things that normally I would be speaking out against. I wonder why?
There haven't been a lot of things - but in general - same old stuff. Gym taking precedence over everything. I guess it's been drilled into my head that I am not worthy and should expect nothing and take what is given. In a way, I understand that. I am responsible for a lot of things. In other ways...not. It's like Shelly spending 35 bucks at Wal-Mart for the various swim apparel. I guess she figured "that close to payday..." but then again, she didn't even know how much $$ she had in her account. In another way, It's all my fault, and it's both our fault. It's my fault for not providing an income. Generally speaking, yes. That's true - no doubt about it. In another way, Shelly feels "entitled" because she works two jobs. Regardless of what the numbers add up to - or what's due at the time. I don't feel like I can speak up anymore, and haven't really in over a year. I don't know exactly how long it's been - generally speaking, it's been that way for quite some time. Sometimes worse than others. But deteriorating over the past year plus, especially after she started working the second job. There has been that "fear" for awhile that anything I "deny" would lead to a confrontation over finances=>leading to "Todd not having a job" as to the reason why our finances suck=>leading to a demand for Todd to get a job, etc etc. That was bad enough. Last year it translated into Shelly cheating and the place we are today. Which is not very solid ground at all. In fact, crumbling - and yet better than a month ago. That said, it was only 9 days ago I guess that I had my latest little blowup - which, in effect, shows how much I "check up on her". Which really is a bad thing. Bad that I think I have to do it, and bad for our situation. Which would lead me to believe that regardless of whatever previous agreements we had in our relationship, she might just be willing to do anything to avoid a fight, at least right now. Meaning, until she's ready to leave. Meaning, she could be doing anything from using "Whatsapp" to a second phone to sending emails to avoid suspicion. We don't even talk about things - even though it's only been 9 days since that little incident (that wasn't so little).
Which leads us to the current situation. Whatever it is or it isn't - I do know it will get worse if we did indeed lose the house. Luckily, we still have some options - although they are shrinking by the day - and will continue to do so if they aren't even willing to do a Special Forbearance. I'm really pissed that they are just fucking ignoring my request. Regardless, this is hanging over my head as my responsibility, even though it affects us both.
Update: 5/24/2013 @ 10:03 am
This is kind of off topic, considering everything posted above - but really does apply, regardless. If it does come down to me getting some kind of job - and at the very least, I would hope it's some kind office job - I know (because I already do) I will regret not learning some type of skill that could have benefited me in my return to the workforce. I know a lot of reasons why this has not happened. Not all is explainable, nor should it be. A lot of people have done a lot more with a lot less than I have. Not to mention - I could have been sweeping a long time ago - even 6 months ago. Of course - I know the reasons why I didn't. A lot of the same reasons as the previous 9 years or 6/7 that she's been sweeping 5-6 at least very profitably. They don't seem to matter now. Looking at some things individually they do, but it's hard to apply them to a whole period of 9 years retroactively. Either way, it's still a loss. And it will be very, very hard to do much after I'm working. Whether it's sweeping or developing some kind of part time online income/whatever. I wish I could have done something like that. I felt so under the gun most of the time, anything that seemed like it was not going to be possible, much less probable until months down the road (which I couldn't see myself waiting for or doing that long). We were always in a position to where something needed to be done right then and there. Well, obviously we got through it somehow - perhaps not very well - but anyway. I don't know. And when I have something major hanging over my head like this house business, I know it's going to be hard, if downright impossible, for me to focus enough to get things done like they should. At the very least, I should have concentrated on the ONE thing that I/we COULD control right then and there - budgeting/properly spending money/etc - starting with a food budget. Which is our biggest black hole - especially when we don't have extra money to spend.
***Things Specific To The House***
If we have to go the BK route - and it looks like they will unless we get a response and chance to do a special forbearance, either in response to the complaint filed or further attempts to contact WFHM - We'll have to see what will work - 7 or 13. 13 is the only way that we can actually be assured of keeping the house and being able to make payments on both it and HOA fees, but having enough income is something again. Chapter 7 liquidates debts, but not secured debts like the house. So it would only be a temporary measure of somewhere around 4 months where we could hope to either keep following up on the complaint and/or work out some kind of loan modification with WFHM. Regardless, it takes money. And that's one thing we don't have a lot of - even without making the house payment.
No comments:
Post a Comment