Things are so wacky right now for both of us. And that's the understatement of the year. Things have bee said and done by both. Mistakes have been made. Obviously, there is a lot out there. Sure, I take my share of the blame from the beginning. I think at this point...I don't even know what to say.
And at this point, I haven't even left yet. 4 days and 5 nights left in this house. Starting Wednesday - not even internet access. It is so hard to think about things - even under the best of situations. Overall - it has ranged from downright horrifying, sad, emotionally draining, you name it. And pretty much this whole last week has been destroyed. I mean either extremely angry, emotionally drained and/or both. I'm not quite sure if I could have or would have done much more. I would have liked to, regardless of anything. And I hate just having or using some kind of blanket excuse. But considering the situation and first not having a legal vehicle then none at all...well. Another thing was never knowing how long I was going to be here. 6.5 weeks is a helluva lot longer than I ever thought. I am going to miss so much.
Update: Friday, September 13, 2013:
Overall, it's been a horrible, emotionally draining experience. If I had to do it all over again, would I have made the same choice that Sunday? Well, up til now, I don't know. I'm the one that is on the precipice of losing everything and having to go to Mom's. I guess that's a hard question to answer, at least at this point. However, most of the time up to this point it has seemed like a wasted effort.
Sometimes I don't know how I've made it through the last 6 weeks. Much less moving forward. I have never been through anything so gut wrenching for so long in my life. I don't know how I will make it down at Mom's. God, I feel so lost when she comes home and the car is parked over there 2 doors down but doesn't say anything - doesn't even visit Todd. Much less - when I don't know where the heck she is.
Which, as a matter of fact, kind of the case tonight. I could be wrong, since I don't know the circumstances. And considering the way we've been, who knows. Something almost tells me there was a reason she said "set my alarm for 3:30." This ain't quite the same - all things considered. But I can recall too many nights like this. If I didn't want to cause trouble, I couldn't ask. I've asked myself too many times lately, and even tonight - how in the hell did I ever make it over the last year with times like this? The answer is pretty simple. Just like over the past 6 weeks - not very well. I'll take those moments this afternoon for what they were - a few moments of weakness from her. Probably because of lack of Cali. Whether or not that is specifically the case here doesn't really matter, I guess. I'm not going to file. Not unless she pisses me off before Saturday. But I go down there with zero hope and zero expectations. And I'm really going to stay out of contact for awhile.
I can just kind of see the scenario when it's time to leave Saturday. First of all - she'll probably be working. So the anticlimatic ending would be...anticlimatic.
***Update*** Saturday, September 14, 2013 @ 1:01 am***:
And she made me feel like a jerk when she came in about 12:38. I don't think she heard me griping. That's the way it goes. Completely innocent. I'm not trying to justify anything - it's kind of a simple fact. I can't say I was like this the whole time. I think it was later - from mid-January on until it got a lot worse later that things got to the point where I was "wondering".
I sincerely hope that things go well this week. As mad as I have been at various times and as many nasty things I've thought and said and written...as many times as I have been certain...I'm still sick to death about all of this, and certainly didn't want it to go down as badly as it has. Try to be extra good this week. It may never mean anything except in my mind. But I owe that to her.
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