...and the short answer is...I don't know.
The long answer is - I don't know, but I'm very pessimistic (possibly realistic) about our possibilities. I'm not even quite sure I'll ever be able to rebound, much less get a job and "win her back". I'm sure she'll miss me some. Maybe Todd as well. But it will always be me chasing her, I guess. What in the hell do I have to offer that would ever change things? Pretty much nothing, I would assume.
I've often thought about how much my life has changed. Only two more days in this house, and that's just one big one. Some things are minor and might seem kind of cheesy. Others are rather large. Obviously not spending every day with my wife and son is the mind-blowing, permanent life altering change. Not having broadband internet or pretty much internet at all. So used to spending so much time on it. Now I'll practically never have it. My dogs are gone. Ahhh what the fuck. Anything and everything I ever did and loved and was a part of is gone. I'm not saying I led an active life doing much at all, but everything - is just gone. So how's that for you?
I've decided, pending further change of mind and heart, to give things a go if she is still willing. I have no idea how that's going to work. I would imagine not very well at all. I'll not have any idea what she's doing and not sure that I want to know. I'm fairly certain I'll get the final kiss off at some point. I may never know when. Considering me and some of the cruel twists and ironies in my life, it'll be right at some point where I'm off a visit up here of some sort and I go home all happy, thinking things went well and probably misinterpreting something she said as something good. I really see it as a struggle to even get to the point where I'm able to come back up here, much less get a job. That's what I have to look forward to. Same ol' thing - getting a job somehow - but really no guarantees that there will be anything to come home to or salvage or whatever. Is that a good attitude to have? Certainly not. It could very well be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We could be done in a month. Or two. Or less. I could get down to Mom's and get served with no notice. I guess, if you take just about any shitty possibility, it could happen.
Update: 9/16/2013@ 5:51 am:
I honestly don't know what will happen. That...remains to be seen. I sure as hell am not going to be the one calling/texting, whatever. I just don't believe anything positive will ever come from this. I hate to think this way, but I have to base my opinions on facts, not my fucked up brain and what it wants to think. I've really never been given a reason to expect anything positive, with the exception of conversation on August 17 (KU concert) - and that conversation was filled with nothing but negatives, really. Hell. Most recently was today with staying at her place until Saturday. She was kind of "I don't mind at all" after she said "Why can't Joe pick you up on Wed"...so...yeah. Not to mention "I wouldn't blame you at all for not helping". Yeah, I know it's fucked up and it's been fucked up. Nothing I can do about that now. In fact, there's very little I can do about it. Virtually nothing I can do about it, at all. We'll see. I hate to have a negative attitude, but it's just going to suck ballz for quite some time. Really - when you have everything in your life that IS your life and your identity taken away, knowing it's probably for good, then transported miles away, what can you say?
I'm fairly certain, pending something dramatic or last minute, that I know there's no way in hell we'll ever get back together. She's already got her mind made up or it won't take long for something to happen.
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