And really, really, hurts. I guess that's the thing that remains. Shit. There's plenty of stuff that remains. Goddamn she fucking pisses me off when she insists on doing stuff like Cali. And then taking him to the fucking studio. And acting like she didn't have the faintest fucking clue, much less a care - that it bothered me. That's the shit that rubs me the wrong way. And the reason I know we'll never make it like she is wanting to go.
I was just sitting here thinking about why I go on sometimes. I don't know. For some reason, despite the influence of my father - it was instilled in me that marriage was "til death do us part". Not to mention this is the only thing I have. Shelly and Toddles are the things in my life. More than likely, that is now gone. Not just because of today. Today was just a freakin' eye opener for some reason. I make that sound vague - like I don't know what happened. Obviously I know specifically what happened today. That's not the point. It's kind of like why up until today I believed a lot more. Somehow. Despite the fact that I had so many doubts it was "highly speculative" at best before today. But for her to just fucking stab me in the back and not take into account anything. And act like she wants us to be together most of the time. Today was just on top of all that other pile of crap she's been spouting. And this shit last night and today just reminded me yet again that I will never put up with that shit again. Ever. So I guess that's a no-go on "us".
I know, I know - most of this shit is just hash and rehash. Despite a lot of speculation on my part over the last 5 weeks, I didn't know for sure until last night about something specific going on. And I was just quickly reminded of how much I hated it. And despite what she says sometimes, the increasing realization that it will just never work.
Damnit, I just fucking hate it. I hate it that she makes me feel this way, and I hate that it is almost entirely avoidable. Will it ever be? Fuck if I know.
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