Well, I'm putting this post here for obvious reasons. Somehow not even sick to my stomach, although I have been. It's what I've been saying all along before things would "clear up" a little bit and I would go back to just somewhat upset - playing possible meanings/scenarios in my head over and over again. Trying to think of what it would mean for sure, how I would react, etc.
But the essence remained. Something that for some reason, my mind accepted as at least OK enough for the time being as to not cause me extreme emotional duress. And then something else would come up (Cali), etc - and I would go back to realizing hey, nothing ever was settled before - so why was I not upset that much until now?
Anyway. Today I asked the same question and got the same answer. Didn't like it any better than before. I have rejected it before, and then come back to realize I'd at least have a fighting chance. I think this crap from last weekend with the Cali sleepover really sharpened my focus on the realities of the situation. There really is nothing to be said anymore, nothing to be gained from arguing. Reactions in person could range from civil to sad to downright hostile.
And, as I have said many previous times, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I hope at least this time I just keep my fucking mouth shut and get along, so to speak. What I feel like doing is jumping off a cliff/driving off somewhere 1000 miles away and just...perish into nothingness without anyone ever knowing what happened to me.
So. I guess there is no rush at all to come back up here. The more I'm up here, I'll probably do something stupid like stalk. I could even go as far as to make it look like I was accidently driving by, after I had jogged and/or lost weight for a couple of months. Then I'd pull up, see her in the yard. Stop and talk to her - and then out the door...whomever she was dating would appear. Todd, this is my fiance "fill in the blank".
And that, my friends...is...that. And as Jean V. Dubois said at the end of class for the semester "That is all. A final all."
Update: 9/11/2013 @ 10:17 pm
On top of all that, today we finally got the info on C4K (which was the good part) and got the definite date to be out: 9/18/2013 - one week from today. Not that's anything bad or whatever in of itself, it just kind of puts a definite timer on getting out of here.
I knew this would turn out bad. Sometimes I'm surprised that I've survived to this point.
Funny thing is that we've had this exact same conversation "several" times since at least 8/17, which was the night of the Keith Urban concert and that discussion started out so promising. And ended up the same as this, with the slight exception of there being a lot more anger and things of that nature being spewed via text. The only thing is, for some reason I reluctantly accepted it at that point.
I always had this feeling in my gut, as I scanned for who was texted and/or called and how many times...or looking up the phone number...or wondering where in the hell she was when she wasn't home when she was supposed to...or even back when I put that keylogger on...how sad it was that I was so suspicious that I had to do that - and what it would mean eventually. Well...
And one thing you have to understand as well from all that this evening, even the texts themselves. With the exception of "I still love u", she sure as hell isn't saying she wished I would or blah blah blah - she pretty much just doesn't want me to be upset about it to the point where I'm not in contact. Other than that, she doesn't give the slightest bit of a shit. I know I'm out of practice, but when somebody really gives a shit about you, you don't have to go around analyzing vague clues to figure it out. If that's what you're having to do, they don't give a shit.
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