Just Another Messed Up, Fucked Up Day (4th in a row)

Well, at least I accomplished one thing today.  I called the damn property company again, got another name, phone number, and email address.  Emailed the new "property manager" and of course, got not one goddamn response.  These people must be incompetent by design.  They just want people to get the fuck out of the house without cash for keys.  If that's the case, then we are going to strip the motherfucker and sell that shit.  Fuckers.

Well - that wasn't even my point in starting this latest post.  Today was absolute shit from the very beginning.  Nothing in particular started this - I was just in a very down mood from yesterday and it started rolling downhill after that.

Everywhere I look, everything I do - there's another constant reminder of the house and family and life that I am being forced to leave behind - melting away before my very eyes with not much time left.  I pretty much started out the day very upset, a continuation from the day before about the whole Shelly/Cali thing from the weekend and the comments she made about having another pulsating orgasm from being fucked hard.  Another right hook and left jab from my wife, who says she loves me but is doing everything in her power not only to drive me away but to make it hell in the process.  I have so many fucking questions that I've asked and given alternative solutions to various problems/situations - and quite a few of them she has never, ever, ever bothered responding to.  Truthfully - some of them have been rather general in nature - but still, she hasn't even had the common courtesy to ask about them or make some kind of comment or statement about them.  They are just brushed off without a response.  That just leaves me extremely confused and even more hurt in a situation that is fraught with enough of that by default.  And so I start coming up with my own answers to the questions SHE won't answer, and perhaps they aren't correct - but that's where it leaves me.  This WHOLE goddamn shit about everything....

Here's some of them, just to have them down in some kind of format that I can access later...

• I still love you.  I want you to get your "stuff together" (vehicle/health/job/legal-warrants) but I want us to be together as a family.  OK.  Sounds great.  I'm on board with that.  But I'm still gonna do what I want, when I want to do it with whomever I want - and no questions asked - and I don't know how long.  Wait.  WTF did you say???  Why??? Why are you "wanting nothing better than for us to be together as a family again" after I get my shit together - but you are doing everything in your goddamn power to almost ensure that it WON'T happen.  Wants to date.  Encouraged me to date.  Although that hasn't been discussed much.  Everything is "Me and Toddles".  Bring Cali around.  Probably introduced him at the studio as her boyfriend.  I don't know that but...
• There's other things - more specifics about the details later - stuff like timetables or whatever
• Other stuff like making him a priority over me.  God that fucking grates on my nerves.
• She acts a lot like she wants things to work but she's not willing to do anything about it.  Like marriage counseling, and/or anything that would bring us back together.  Like NOT FUCKING THAT GODDAMN MORON IN A FUCKING HOTEL ROOM ALL NIGHT OR MY OWN FUCKING BED.   Craving 30 year old cock while married to a 50 year old is NEVER going to do anything to improve things between us in a general relationship sense nor her desire for me.  Even I have sense enough to figure that one out.  If you have doubts, we can have specific goals or things that need to be done/met but there's no reason to have this Cali or cock-craving shit going on.  That's never going to help.  And her flat-ass fucking refusal to consider it at all PISSES ME OFF.

Overall, if I'd had the balls/sense and/or some kind of tangible options for leaving, including a little $$ much less a job or working vehicle, I probably would have left by now and said -  I still Love you and want nothing better than for us to be together - but until you give up this cock chasing cock craving motel room romps all night with people like Cali, I ain't going to be around.  So let me know when you grow up and give me a call.  Bye.  Besides the obviousness of the situation over the last year (same things - truck not legal, never any money, no real options...and until a few months ago, me not even discussing the situation with anyone until I told Joe - I was just always in a daze about it.  I would have done the same damn thing numerous times over the past 5 weeks as we've gone back and forth - but even what I had got worse as I had tickets go to warrants, truck still not legal, still no options but Mom's - but also a desire to stay here and get the cash 4 keys and other stuff.

Plus, there's other stuff - stuff that is not necessarily her fault, or if she says it I know it's quite unintentional.  Everything that comes up about the new place - what she wants to do.  Her plans.  It's like kicking me in the stomach because I know I'm not going to be here.