After all that yesterday. Well, I'll be honest with you. It fucking hurts and it's gonna hurt. And there's not one damn thing I can do about it. At all. Sonofabitch. Just a fucking blatant disregard for my feelings - especially after the way we had been getting along. I guess it was all a show. I must say, for all my theories and posts - you'd think I would have a handle on things by now. You'd think that someone who professes to care/love/whatever would not treat you like shit - but you'd be wrong. Not only treat you like shit, but sit there and stick a knife in your back and twist it, throw you down and step on the blade. And pour salt in it.
I started to say that she just doesn't get it. She gets it, alright. And that's the whole goddamn problem in a nutshell. What she likes about him is everything I hate about him. Familiarity. The way she gushes about him. The need for complete secrecy. Her goddamn stubborn refusal to not do it. Sometimes I just want to fucking choke her.
That being said...I need to quit getting so mad. I just need to accept reality, and sometimes I forget that. I tend to forget it a lot. My feelings last night and today in regards to the way she acted - is just a microcosm of near future if somehow I choose that path. Whatever you want to say about it, whatever you want to feel about it...that's just the way it is. I have tried and tried and tried. Once Pandora was out of the box, there was no putting her back in.
I know I have sat here and preached over and over again over the last 24 hours about not getting angry. After all, she is still my wife (for now) and the mother of my child. It is so very very hard because I feel like it could be done - but she is so goddamn stubborn she just will not do it. No matter what the cost. And it's going to end up costing me. Perhaps that is what I should take from all this - and basically that's what I started this paragraph off saying. Sure, theoretically speaking - it could work out. But really? Shit. Be realistic, not theoretic. It ain't going to work like this. Not for 6 hours, six days, six weeks, six months, etc. I have said many times over the past almost 5 weeks that I am sick of her overnight stays and club whoring and I will never accept it again. And apparently she will not stop doing it, so that means we are done. Plain and simple. Which brings to mind a very simple question: besides the obvious (cash for keys, etc) - what the fuck are we doing, and more specifically, what the fuck was I thinking? No answer is going to be a good answer. But here goes.
I guess it's pretty simple, actually. We are thrust together out of necessity now, just like we will be pulled apart within a short period of time. And if I stay the course she has prescribed, that's when the real fun begins.
You know what the truth is? I've been thinking about it the past hour or so. The realization that somebody I love, or used to love. My wife. The person that used to love me - could treat me so despicably, horribly - and have me think the things I do about her. And the horrible realization of what it all means.
I'm just angry about everything. Myself for a lot of things. Shelly for taking us down this path and refusing to budge an inch about anything. She can say anything she wants, but she's the one that insists on continuing down the one sure path to our destruction. And it really fucking pisses me off. And saddens me.
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