I kind of asked for this. I don't know why I did. Perhaps it was because the memory of the last time (what - about 5.5 weeks ago now?) was not fresh in my mind anymore. Why I ever put up with the chatter, I'll never know. But then I told her to go ahead and do it. Why? Why did I ever do it? Because that's all I ever fucking heard about. 95% of the time I had no choice. The other 5% of the time I was hoping just to get her to shut the fuck up and move along, I guess. I despise it. And I despise her for doing it despite my requests not to. I just want to get this shit over with and get the fuck out of here.
For the Love Of God, please fucking call those goddamn cash for keys people and see what it's going to take for that shit to even happen. Fill out the fucking JPS connect form. Even if there's mistakes, she can correct it. Go to the ER, spend a few hours in a bed and get some BP meds so I can continue to get my ADD meds. Make an attempt to fix the clutch if I can do it by bleeding the master cylinder, then call one of these fuckers to buy the fucking Truck have a fucking Garage sale and get the fuck out of Dodge.
I think that's my new Pie-In-The-Sky Pipe Dream - just getting the FUCK out of Dodge. I wish I did not have one fucking thing that I felt the teensiest bit of responsibility for waiting around to help out with, for whatever reason.
I think the more I'm around it again, the less I ever want to deal with that shit ever again. Texting one zillion times to various guys just to get your rocks off while ignoring the people who are supposed to be important in your life. Spending the night in some sleazy motel or (better yet) your own house. No, I am done with this shit. Not no way, not no how.
That being said, it will not be easy. Son of a bitch, it will not be easy. I'm just starting to get a little bit pissed as some of the old anger starts coursing through my veins again - so it's a lot easier right now. It's easier to find a direct target to direct your anger because it is happening again. And making me feel the way I used to. Again. And overall, the thing that really gets me? She doesn't really care. Or she wouldn't do this shit. So it's not like this is going to be anything more than a temporary diversion for her. Amazing. Even before I had that sentence finished, I started seeing the trap I was about to fall in. Again. Is getting all worked up all over again really worth it? Is allowing yourself to get mad at Shelly...again. For the same old thing, really worth it? The pain inflicted upon me hurts. True enough. As it has repeatedly over the past year. The uncertainty of a path I have not traveled in over 20 years is scary. It is something I neither want nor desire. I feel it, though. Sad thing is I don't even know if she's just been playing with me or what. I don't like to think about someone playing beach volleyball with my heart and soul. And I once I understand what is going on, I'm ashamed to admit how readily I wanted (again) to lash out in anger and inflict pain as it was inflicted upon me. I can't do that. I know she had some tremendous disappointments with me that built up and eventually led to this. But I can't find any justification for a sentence this long and this harsh. Truisms? All this time, I've been searching for the one thing that stood out, that made some kind of sense. It doesn't answer everything, but it answers enough of them. I put up with so much of this shit over the past year because of two things: 1. Subconsciously, at least, I thought I deserved it. I was the whipping boy, the lightning rod for everything that was wrong with us. Make no mistake - some of it's warranted. But not for this long, and not to this extent. 2. The lack of a future without Toddles & Shelly and the fear created by it. One thing is clear in my mind, however. I cannot and will not put up with shit like this. It's gonna hurt like a damn motherfucker, too. There won't always be this clarity that I have right now. I have not cried my last tears over this. Not by a long shot. I am just not going to put up with this ever again.
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