This is pretty much an utterly complete and thorough mindfuck on me, although I guess I should have expected it. I don't know. I guess she couldn't help herself. She drinks a lot. As hurtful as it is and as much as it angers me at times, I don't think it was done with malice aforethought. It's a scary situation, although of her own doing. I think it's kind of a female thing in cases like these to want to have all the support she could. Bottom line is, she was just making sure I was there as a backup in case she changed her mind. She knew because of the way I was and the way I felt that I was a "safe backup option" in case anything went wrong. And in the meantime, a Todd placated by sex and thoughts of a future reconciliation is a much better Todd to work with in the meantime. So at some point over the next few months I would have just started getting a casual brushoff. I can't say that I've been there much myself, if at all, so perhaps I shouldn't be so harsh. Except that it's happening to me.
So now. A future without Toddles and Shelly confirmed. What do I do now? Well, I guess it kind of depends upon how quickly I want to get on with my life. I think, without question, there really is not much of a reason for me to stay down any longer than necessary. That being said, I have been wrong before. I certainly have not been a stranger to cruel ironic twists in my life, so "never say never". Still, I would be very surprised if there was anything down there to keep me there for very long at all. However, since it will be getting close to late September by the time I get down there...who knows.
Update: 9/9/2013 @ 12:11 pm
Well, that certainly didn't go as planned. Perhaps it was wrong of me to play a little "what if" game like that. All I ws trying to do was generate some kind of response from her. Either she saw completely through that or (more likely) this was her plan all along and she is very happy with it. I would lay odds on the latter, not the former. I kind of assumed this was her intent all along, and she was just trying placate me. I guess it shouldn't have been that hard to figure out. I was always trying to make sense of things. I wondered why she just absolutely fucking refused. I know she had real reasons (job)...I was just kind of pleasantly surprised that she seemed genuinely interested in me getting a job and us being together as a family...of course, that was just over three weeks ago and things have happened since then. Of course, most of it has been fights started by via text or email by me. Between all the emotional upheaval, lack of sleep at various and ongoing times, and what seems to be diminished mental capacities by me - I can't hardly remember shit anymore. But anyway - most of the arguments were just started out of anger and frustration by me in which she would express a desire for us to be "together" somehow, and yet...would also include various "conditions" or "restrictions" which sure as heck just contradicted her earlier desire to be together. It makes not fucking sense at all. None. Zero. Zip. Perhaps I'm just too goddamn old or stupid to figure it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment