After all that yesterday. And today I'm sitting here scared about losing her while I'm down there. Or at some point in the future. Truisms? No-I'm not going to get into that nonsense again. It's a simple matter of fact: I know the way she is sometimes. And I don't like it when she is that way - ie: just about everything from Friday night to most of yesterday. The alone/Cali - the taking him to the studio/hanging out shit to going to BR instead of coming here.
I just hate the thought of it. Knowing I'm going to be away, knowing that even getting back up here, much less finding a place to stay and getting a decent job???
About the one time it doesn't bother me is when I'm pissed off. Ain't that the shits? I'm almost embarrassed at the amount of times over the last year that I have packed my bags and really, really intended to leave. Whether I had a valid reason or not at the time is another matter - offhand, I'd say about 1/3 of the time I did.
Even though we're almost broke, I do anticipate being able to make some cash by selling things either through garage sale and/or individual sale and hopefully C4K.
And once again the irony seeps through. I'm thinking of doing something "nice" for Shelly. Not talking about dinner. A present of some sort. What that will accomplish, I have no idea. It's so strange, me getting so angry that I'm just convinced that I have to leave.
The time is coming soon when I won't have much of a choice. The decision will be made for me when we are forced out of this house and/or get things done and utilities are transferred.
All of this stuff just makes me sick to my stomach. I have enough to overcome just finding a damn job, much less getting a vehicle, place to live. Figuring out if "we" are going to make it.
As mentioned above, I think the main problem over the weekend was anger directed at Shelly for doing a lot of the things that I don't like - and they were just two doors down. The need to be with someone all night, specifically directed at Cali because he's been the one most of the time. The unfairness of sex with them vs me...then letting him hang around the next day - and then going out that same night instead of coming home.
I was almost convinced last night that I was going to text him and tell him to stop it with no further contact, lest he become "exposed". Theoretically speaking, it could work. If everything Shelly says is true - you'd think he would shit his pants. But all it would take is a surreptitious email or text and she would be so pissed at me I'd hate to have to deal with those circumstances. Plus - if Cali is just for sex - it would be cruelly ironic to block him from her but drive her into the arms of someone she falls in love with. Plus, now is not exactly the best time in the world
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