I think this hits a little bit closer to home than I thought. Just because he's going to be 2 doors down? Perhaps. I tend to go back and forth on him. It's really not his fault, although he certainly is not blameless.
I don't know. Perhaps it was stupid. If it bothers me to the point where I start getting pissed and causes some kind of fight, then yeah. At this point, regardless of how it makes me feel sometimes for her to be so stubborn, the way she directed all this at me over the last year while dumping on me (not intentionally perhaps at first...but still. And then - the way she talks about it being hot. She is either blind, doesn't care, or somehow manages to confuse the two issues. That's what I am up against - those issues and the finances - but it doesn't matter. It's not that she's not smart enough to figure it out - she's just angry and resentful for other reasons.
I absolutely refuse to sit here and stew, be pissed/mope whatever the entire evening. Much less all freakin' night long. Sure, this is a bit over the top. More than a bit. But it's not like it wasn't going to happen anyway. And to some extent, he (at least for now) is the least of my problems. It's the rest of the shit. Previously mentioned in the first (I believe) "Man, I Tell You What..." post.
It's going to gnaw on me. How much...perhaps is up to me. Some isn't up to me. Like whatever timetable/limits/requirements Mom has. I have no clue. I figure there is going to be a lot of pressure. And who knows. There's no reason to be ugly. I know - much, much easier said than done. For many reasons. Present and past. I really don't think that solves anything. And unless I somehow uncovered irrefutable proof of some kind of "conspiracy" (99% joking here) of "what"...I don't know - but otherwise, try to remember that most of the time I regret it anyway. And I'd rather not be thought of as an ugly, resentful person.
Updated: 9/6/2013 @ 8:10 pm
Never show it. Never show it. I'll be doing good to do that. If I can pull that one off - the Oscar for Best Actor should go to me. Because I sure as hell do not feel like it. I realize - I could have said no. To what purpose? To postpone his visit by one week? Whatever/whenever it was, I'm sure I would have heard about it. And I would be sitting right there on Mom's couch. No disrespect intended, Mom. I love her. The last few years have been rough on her through no fault of her own. This is just not going to be one of those "pleasant" situations to be in for awhile. Thank God I do still have her to turn to.
So - One year and one week into my penance for my crimes. Or does it not officially start until 9/16? Technically and (more importantly) in reality, I think I'm going to go with 9/16. So excuse my "jumping of the gun". My penance will officially reach one year in 10 days. One year out of a lifetime sentence, I guess. TBD by how long I live.
Try very hard not to bring it up at all. It is just going to lead to nasty comments and hard feelings on my part. And as much as I detest this aspect of what has gone on the last year, again I say - what purpose will it serve to get in some kind of abusive texting war and/or shouting match when possible? None. Everything has already been said that needs to be said. As much as you'd like to force your will on the stubborn in cases such as this...well, it never worked and it ain't gonna work now. So fuck it. Even the part of me that gets some kind of perverse satisfaction from lashing out when I'm in pain has to eventually apologize, and regret. And I've done enough of that already to last a lifetime. I can't say it will never happen again - especially under circumstances such as these or similar - but I'd think more of myself if I restrained myself. Of course, about all it would take is some casual post by Jolene or Amanda on FB "Just hanging out with Aunt Shelly & her new boyfriend Cali".
Update: 9/6/2013 @ 11:30 pm
It's times like this that kind of make me realize the futility of the situation. As much as I detest the thought of my near-term future especially, I rather just get the fuck on with it. I'm always some pie-in-the-sky heart thumping idiot who always manages to get shit on specifically because I am that pie-in-the-sky "Everything's Gonna Work Out Somehow" heart thumping nostalgic. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. Most times it doesn't work out that way. Perhaps almost never. But, it's just like I said earlier. Everything that needed to be said has already been said and repeated ad nauseam. If it hasn't sunk in by now, it never will and was never intended to be comprehended. And that's just the way it is. Happy endings are for chumps and suckers. I just wonder how long it will take for that to sink in and take effect. Knowing me? 6-8 more months. What a sucker I am and always have been. Nah, it's worse than that. I'm a starry-eyed dreamer who just doesn't know any better. I guess I never will. For someone like that, for some reason, for once, it would mean a lot to me somehow to just be able to take the high road and keep my thoughts and words to myself. Regardless of who's right and who's wrong - in the end - always remember I don't think I've ever really hated anyone that I loved or thought I loved. Words can be so hateful. Regardless of my past history, it's not a given you'll be forgiven for the hateful thoughts and words coming from your mouth and keyboard in times of pain. And it is going to be tough. I think if I had a way...I would just hop a bus and get the fuck out of here tonight and just disappear forever.
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