Who knows what the future will bring? I sure as heck don't. I'm not trying to suggest anything...just sayin'...I can go back 1 year ago and say who woulda thunk? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to think. Sometimes I think we are inseparable...yet she wants to be fiercely independent. Sometimes it seems like we are so close relationship wise...and yet there are other times...like now, thinking about overcoming being apart at all...much less under these circumstances. And me needing to get a job...place to live? Vehicle?
How can anyone know? When your whole world is flipped upside down twice in year. Granted, a lot of it is my own doing...or lack of doing. Shit. If you can predict things...I can't. Sometimes I do think we have a chance. Other times...I just think of her finding someone who can do whatever. Shit, right now all it has to be is have a job.
Damn. I feel so lost right now, even though we're all still together. Perhaps it's because...I have a brain and can see things dissolving before my very eyes. I don't know what's worse, reality, or my perception thereof...I guess because all I have right now is my perception of what it will be. Me down at Mom's frittering away time while Shelly goes on dates and/or whatever up here.
In reality, I don't know how I will respond. I just kind of know the reality. I can't be in a situation where my wife is going on dates and continuing to fuck others in motel rooms.
Update: 9/6/2013 @ 12:36 am
Followup to the thoughts posted in the preceding 2 paragraphs...you know, sometimes - I just don't know. You can hear her asking my opinions on stuff (like Cali and JR) and it's obvious she wants me to be a part of her life. That part I like. This dating shit? Hell - from the way she acts - she would like for it to not be that way but she doesn't want to be told that it can't be done that way. Of course, things have just...varied over the past month. There's just no other way to put it. From us being together but separate (whatever it was in the first few days after 8/5) to nothing...to her coming over to say she missed me more than she thought and what I thought was at least a semi-reconciliation to figuring out I had the wrong impression and that she didn't even want conjugal visits as of Sunday 8/11 to her getting the rent house 8/14 wednesday and fucking that night...then the stuff as of the KU concert 8/17. And the various fights since.
As stated somewhere above - it sounds like she really doesn't want to do a lot of the stuff that goes through my mind - but it doesn't even have to be something so "whorey" or something. I could also see her accidently meeting some guy and/or being set up with some rich guy from the Erika/Carley type friends. Or whatever. And what am I supposed to do then. I've said this before. I come up/over...then one day there's a...well, I have plans. Well, I've met someone. Todd really likes him. And I guess I really feel bad because - I know for a fact the way I have been. Before. And just about everything she said was right. I still think something could have been done before she did what she did - and I think it could have been done differently since then. To put it mildy - I knew things weren't great. But only once in a great while - every 4-6 months- would she put some push for me to get a job. I didn't learn til later how "embarrassed" she was driving the Tracker - even when it was still working decently...and other things. I knew made cracks about fucking me from time to time - toothless, etc. And I did treat her bad with "fits" and other ways - just not taking an interest in what she wanted to do.
Bottom line is - regardless of a lot of good things the last year, in her mind ( and in reality), I didn't get a job and I didn't come through about cars/house/blah blah blah. And it's true. I also know what I went through and the humiliation of being told I wasn't good enough for sex while some worthless scum was good. And whatever she may have felt about the house/cars/credit/general available $$ for doing anything (vacation/extra stuff). I felt worse. I knew it was my fault. But knowing what I had to go through at that time relationship-wise, and we were COMPLETELY fucked just about from the beginning financially. We never managed our money, and that was BOTH of our faults - but I was the one who had to deal with it on a day to day basis.
You know what it's like for someone who already hates themselves for years of unemployment and the resulting financial mess it put us in, years of guilt and shame and hiding/ducking from questions regarding first employment, then physically as my teeth went down the shitter? Then, to find out not only that your wife is cheating, but sex with someone else is so much greater she won't give it up but is willing to to try to work something out - but you are not worthy of good sex while worthless scum is not? I know that stems from years of built up resentment and frustration - just from that.
At the same time, for many reasons - what few lifelines I had were drying up. Mom was refusing to bail us out anymore - and completely backed off our car solution that SHE came up with and then conveniently "forgot" about it later. She was dealing with a lot of stuff in her life and then for some reason even went further south when she was told of the situation between me and Shelly. And even though I could talk to Joe, it would be months before he knew the real situation. I couldn't tell him, I didn't want to hear about it. I certainly couldn't talk to Mom about it. And everything I touched turned to shit either from not doing it right or just falling through the cracks. Bank accounts. The cars. Us.
I'm probably leaving out a lot of things. That's what happens with me and a constant source of frustration. My mind works a lot faster than I can type and tend to start forgetting things. Important points that I was going to post about in the beginning, of all things.
In short, there are a lot of things I don't like about what the future (as she sees it) holds. Doing what I have to do (job, etc) yeah. Even dumbass on the side I could live with, I guess. But dating? Yeah, I realize what a fuckup I've been, one way or another. I know what it felt like for me to go through with it. Made a lot of mistakes. Took her for granted even before that, but certainly as I sunk into deepening hellhole of depression/guilt/shame over job/appearance, possibilities - certainly after then. I figure it wouldn't take much for her to find someone that would make her forget me. Quickly. And I don't even care if she's talking about somebody "flipping burgers" or Walmart greeter. I can't do that. Not that I'm too good for it, but hell, it was always hard for me to find a job whether I had one or not. If I got stuck in a job like that I'd never get into anything decent. And my credit is screwed. That looks sucky. I have a 9 year gap on my resume/sucky credit/inability to feel good about myself to make myself a viable candidate - especially in this job market. I wish it was as simple as me going out and applying. It was NEVER going to be that simple. Not that now that is an excuse - but shit. Even assuming Mom can and will help - she can't do it all and once. Vehicle/warrants/getting me back on my feet. That's just more downtime before I can even BEGIN to start looking for another job. How long??? Hell, even a couple of months...before I can even BEGIN to look for a job. And earn her respect.
I don't know. We'll see.
Update: 9/6/2013 @ 5:19 am
I've made this point at least several times over the past 4.5 weeks, but I think it serves a good purpose to note it again: It doesn't necessarily what either one of us says right now. Or things. Or "agrees" to, necessarily. Bottom line is regardless of anything else, barring some kind of "miracle win" and/or change of heart/circumstances - we are going to spend quite a bit of time apart/separated/whatever. Now - If you think I could even BEGIN to calculate time frames, you would be seriously, sadly mistaken. As I have said, I have no idea of how much/how soon Mom would be willing to commit to something like taking care of vehicle/warrant/ticket problems. She may try to make me agree to something or somesuch...who knows? And that's just some of the "before" I get up here problems...and/or what it would take to get me back up here. And who knows what kind of whatever will go through her mind? Much less ours. This is still a highly emotionally charged time for both of us. Both of us have things to deal with about each other that we have changed our minds several times about over the last month already. We both halfway joked about this - but wouldn't it be yet cruelly ironic if I were to be so gung ho on "staying" and I met someone? I seriously, seriously doubt it. I haven't had much to offer in a long time and I have less to offer right now. Plus I don't want to date anyone. Seriously. I still have a wife and marriage (at the moment) that includes a son - a marriage and wife that I'd like to save and repair and make better and do all those things I started thinking about last year. However, it sure would make me feel better if some things were off the table. Like dating? Otherwise...I think it might be done a lot sooner. Perhaps I underestimate myself...but besides the feeling that she would easily replace me as soon as she found somebody with $$ and even halfway acted like they would "treat her right" blah blah blah...I'd be history. Much less anything else...and again - even best case scenarios - we're still talking about for us to be successful, me being able to become a provider again. And I don't care how much she misses me now, says she misses me later...whatever - unless/until that changes - some of the other stuff just isn't going to "fall into place". If it still can. And it could damn well be 2 months before I get back up here permanently. And that's just some kind of guesstimate.
Now there's a couple of ways of thinking about this, at least. She says she's not going to be "dating" or looking. Says she would go out...and I have no doubts she's going to be busy. But I can just see anyone from Erika/Carley any of those to Siobhan/Bill. Look at me reacting to the thought of Brandon's friend hitting on her. That pisses me off. I want to say I don't want to agree to any of that shit in the beginning. And that could kill it before it starts. Or end it before it begins? Either calmly or throwing a fit and "leaving". I'd kinda hope I wouldn't do that. Or I could reluctantly agree to it like I have at various times - hoping that she really wouldn't do a lot of that or she would find out that she missed me or something. Jerry misses a point, but perhaps I do as well. In different ways. He says "don't talk to her - week or 10 days". Well, that may be great in different circumstances - where both parties are working or there is an equal amount of blame to go around - whether it's in reality or in the mind of one person or the other. She rightfully has a lot of frustration and anger at me not trying over a lot of the last 9 years. Regardless of the past year. And it might not be hard for her to part with that.
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