I Know What I Feel

...and this is what it is like.

The first point I'd like to make is that I know we're on two different pages.  Perhaps we will never be on the same page again.  This, in of itself, causes problems.  She's had sex with quite a few different men a number of different times.  I still haven't, six months later.

I'm a weird sort of guy.  You know the story.   Becky, Penny, Janiece, Wendy...then Michelle.  I married her.  Not the same.  FF 18 years and the "thing" happens.  Boom, I want her.

There's all kinds of different things going on.  She's had her share of some "diff'rent" and she likes it.  I imagine so.  She's also going through a personal renaissance, having lost 100 lbs and getting pretty hard-bodied.  That's a pretty lethal combination for someone who's had weight problems all their lives, has had a husband who didn't treat her right and didn't work for 9 years.  So there's all these mind games/stipulations.  I need to do this and that, which I agree needs to be done.  At the same time,  I'm basically told that my sex stinks and she wants to go 24 hrs straight with some dufus 20 years younger than me.  Not only have I not provided, I've made things worse (although only recently has she found this out).  I'm up against a situation where it's basically my fault in a lot of ways, and yet I have (to me at least) justfiable reasons for getting pissed.  I get  15 minutes and smack on the lips and a "thanks" and somebody else gets pure unbridled lust 24hrs straight?  I'm supposed to like that?

I understand her rationale for how she feels in a lot of ways.  But I can almost assure you this marriage will not work with that kind of inequality any better than it did with the income inequality.  It doesn't appear to me that she really cares about me/us and/or trying to make our marriage whole again.  It puts too many thoughts into my mind.  And I don't think they are wrong.