So...Is This It?

This day began like many others recently - with a sick feeling in my stomach about some impending "something" that was coming up that needed to be done or paid and there wasn't a chance in hell that it could be done.  And it couldn't - and didn't.  Worse news is the confirmation of the disallowance of Mom's income - though technically probably correct, it was done last time.  It had to be with the numbers provided.  Not this time.

And building resentment towards Shelly over this Cali business.  It shouldn't be happening.  And it doesn't look like I'm going to sit here and take it.  Who knows?  I might not have a choice, anyway.  The only possible choice I have is to grin and bear it, possibly for Todd's sake - get him signed up for JPS Connect or something.   I started thinking she was resigned to the fact of us not having a chance with the  house and talking about "us" doing this or that afterwards.  Yeah, and then she got drunk.  Yeah, I feel horrible.  This is the first time - at least in the last 2.5 weeks - that it seemed kinda final.  But it seems confirmed.  We might be able to drag it out - but how long?

So this is my legacy.  9 years of stuff leading up to this.  And I have nothing.  Nothing.  And nobody will care.  Toddles, maybe.  For a little while.  That's all.  Nobody will care.


I can't believe it.  It will just be all gone in a little over 12 hours.  Both Shelly & Toddles  will be gone within about 5.5 and 7 hours, respectively.  My dogs - gone.  This little computer room/office - gone.  My world - gone.  All the hope I ever had - gone.  I picked Todd up from school for the last time today.  Once again, he was acting silly, kicking his lunch box around while waiting for me to pull up.


This just can't be fucking happening.  I know I don't have much choice anyway, do I?  I can't believe I have fucked up so many things in such a short period of time.    Well, the one BIG thing...still, it's enough.  She's right.  To have Todd displaced...not to mention ourselves...shit.  I feel awful.

And what if I make the wrong choice?  I mean, I am angry and kind of at my wit's end.  I know what happened - and I'm angry she is using this as an excuse to go over there and be with him.   What if I'm wrong?  And once again - where will I go?  What will I do?  Sure - it's going to be rough here.  Very rough.  And I don't know that she's not going to just tell me to go away anyway.