Obviously, getting past that situation yesterday makes me feel better - but it's also a shitty feeling knowing you are looking at overwhelming odds with all the stuff that needs to be done/go right/get resolved/etc.
While I'm glad to have that situation resolved - there's a lot unresolved that's big that I don't know what I can do about. The way Shelly is right now - ANYTHING going wrong and I feel like I'm out the door - and that's probably not far from the truth if not spot on. I can't say I blame her. Virtually all of this goes back to me - either directly fucking something up or by just not working and providing income. There's no getting around that truism, and I'm not trying to. What little fault there is on her part I would think is perhaps not insisting on or following through on us managing money better - and that's one of the things. It got to the point last year and now this year where it's not going to work to say Honey - we can't afford that right now. It's like well - we are going to do it because I'm working two jobs and if we can't it's your fault and your either gonna catch hell for it and/or I'm going to leave you. I'm not blaming her - or saying that's the biggest thing - I'm just stating a fact. I felt that way last year - was scared of it when we reconciled, I feel that way now especially.
I absolutely, positively fucktastickly cannot believe it. I order a dozen fucking roses and can't even get them fucking delivered today. Doesn't matter. I'm in so much shit I'll probably be kicked out the door and into the nearest interstate highway feeder road thumbing for a ride soon anyway. I'm too goddamn stupid to get anything done correctly or in a timely fashion - much less at all. Somewhere, somehow, someway down the line way back when - something happened to my fucking brain that allowed me to become like this and now I'm just a goddamn fucking stupid idiot whose life is about to be over even before I reach age 50.
Well, that was a waste of 70 bucks. I send flowers and the day she actually gets them, I assume she will be fucking someone else. I guess that probably means something, since the last time I did she did the same thing. I really don't know that I'm going to be able to subscribe to this. There have been many things that have changed my mind the previous times before when I started to leave. One time it was waiting for Todd in the parking lot at school. I'll never forget that as long as I live. I had already made up my mind. Obviously had no idea what I was going to do and where I was going to go, but I knew I was losing everything - including my son. It was a Friday, and he was happily walking across that crosswalk at school, oblivious to the fact of how his life was about to change. I just couldn't take it.
I'm not saying Shelly is wrong about being upset. There's been years of this and I don't blame her for wanting more. I'm just saying I don't know it was the right thing to stay this time - not with the conditions imposed on me. Now if she wants to go out with her friends, fine. But endless fucking of C-man and other strangers - nope. Ain't gonna put up with that. I doubt it matters anyway. Unless by some miracle we can keep the house, I'm quite sure I'm gone. So I need to start planning to take care of myself - just like Shelly starting planning to take care of herself. By no means do I want it to happen this way. I could help save the house and get the cars done and she could still run my ass out after that. I used to feel very insecure, worrying about her meeting some rich guy and taking off. Well, I just thought I was insecure then. It probably wouldn't have happened before a month or two ago. Now if it does, she'll just either not tell me she's dating him or whatever and one day I'll just be run off, no questions asked. I guess that's a poor attitude to have - but how else can I take it?
Update: 4/26/2013@ 2:09 am
I seem to be heading down a particular path every time. I get mad about stuff she's doing and changing on us and stubborn hard-headedness, refusing to negotiate and then just totally lose it - don't care what I say because I plan on leaving. Even leading up to that, when I'm trying to talk myself out of it and I know these things. Thinking that to stay is unacceptable under the circumstances, but to think about going...well...there's never been anything to go TO. No job, so no way to get a place to live - no friends. Leaving the only thing I've known forever and a day. My wife and son. It's a sad thing - but it's like I say. Either somehow we keep the house or she will force me out anyway.
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