Fuck Me Runnin. I would really rather not see another day like yesterday happen again for a very, very long time - if ever. In fact, I think it really sucks that most of this week has SUCKED ever since we got the good news and saw the 2100.00 unexpected tax refund check.
I'll wind down today first, then reflect back on the unexpected suckage of this week, before giving a few final parting shots. I finally zonked out about 3:45 in the morning after the debacle that was last night. That means since Sunday, 4/7/13, I think I had slept a total of PERHAPS an hour in three nights.
I didn't get things done today, although I started off well enough. Couldn't decide between going with NACA.com and MMI. Leaning towards NACA - but perhaps will do a little more research tonight. I need to upload the data (need latest paystub from Shelly).
Not necessarily pointing fingers - I'm not sure if I would have left any earlier or not if Jolene had not been gone - I was ready to go 10:30-ish but she wasn't back until 11:45? And with the whole Mocha scenario...but by the time I wasted time trying to get the fucking Tracker inspected... Should have checked online about tags...but oh well
Here's the week:
- Monday - Got meds early afternoon - checked mail late that night about 7pm and got the refund check. All excited. Discussed with Shelly what I THOUGHT was our plan of action regarding the car...but brother, was I wrong. Didn't matter anyway - she basically came out and told me that she wasn't going to do any more than that.
- Tuesday - Not much - That was the night Shelly and Joie went over to Sandy's due to the EmilyIncident™. Started getting the cold shoulder that night when she got home.
- Wednesday - more of the same - and preview of what was to come later (numerous references to the car blah blah blah nasty lil' comments
- Thursday - Well, Thursday was one of those days where I should have gotten a lot more done than I did - but I was already still reeling from the effects of the TerryReturn™...possibly an excuse, and it really is if you want to get technical...but then that gut-wrenching call I got from Shelly about 3:30 pm yesterday. Holy fucking shit. Almost constant torture from then til the time she went to bed 1-ish.
Update: 9:17 pm 4/12/2013:
I've got kind of a nervousy-type feeling from just doing a little trolling...the fact that some texting is still going on and now some with Siobhan...could it possibly be a sign that there's still intent for action - be it expressed in the beginning or "going out dancing" => really going to Keene with Siobhan? Whether or not it's asked or not - I really kind of resent it. Number one, she just got it last weekend. Number 2, I haven't got it at ALL since last weekend. And that was a quick-ass fuck on Saturday, if I'm not mistaken. Now, obviously some of that's been directed at me as she has been pissed either gone/working/working out/pissed at me (or some or all of the above) since Tuesday night. Now I could argue about what the reality is...but still. It's happening to much and not enough attention is being paid to me. I don't care the fucking reason - it's not fair and it pisses me off and I believe rightfully so. And that REALLY shitty comment last night when she was really pissed and upset saying that her greatest desire right then was to be able to "Have Cali Fuck me really good Friday night". Besides everything else, nine times out of 10 it leads to her being terribly hung over with no sleep and catching up for several days and I don't get shit out of it.
I understand a lot of things. I even understand the things I hate sometimes and perhaps I can somewhat justify her reasoning and/or actions. But I get the feeling that either a lot of times she just doesn't get it or she just thinks I'm not justified in my position - or if I am she doesn't care. That might be reaching - but it's the way it feels sometimes. I also know there has been a lot of crap that is ultimately my fault going on lately that makes it virtually impossible for me to have a good position in any way, shape, form or fashion - and that gripes the shit out of me. And I'm really going to have to pull it out of the fire this time.
Update: 12:54am 4/13/2013
I find myself thinking some pretty outlandish things about what Shelly might possibly do...like tonight. Looking at texts and playing guessing games...how she might have sent Jolene on in the car to "run off to Brandon's" and been with Siobhan...well, little did I know that Christian was coming...but shit - some of this stuff is really out there. I mean, would she REALLY do something like that? And whether I knew about it or not - do I really want to know? Anyway...sometimes...it all goes back to an almost HELPLESS feeling I have due to what - these ToddCreated™ ShittySituations™ (actually worse than that)...that we've been dealing with for so long now (such as the house) and that the shit really is hitting the fan and I've got to pull out all the guns to put this one out.
Update: 2:00am 4/13/2013
I chide myself on some of these wild things that pop into my head sometimes. And yeah, some of them are really off the wall. But when she starts ignoring my texts and I see she's been texting Cali...yeah. I guess you can miss a few when you're looking at someone else's...which just aggravates the fucking shit out of me all over again. Rinse and repeat. Given the situation...however, unless Jolene's just run out of juice even she's not texting anymore.
Update: 2:12am 4/13/2013
It's things like that - that really make me wonder sometimes. And then my brain fog lifts and I remember he being mad at me over another "situation" I've got us in. And I shut up. For the most part. Sometimes it just simmers inside. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach. Other times I'm overwhelmed with sadness because I want to do something special for her to let her know that I'm thinking about her - and then I remember that oh, yeah...I've got us in trouble again because of the...or I didn't do sweeps...
I understand a lot of things. I even understand the things I hate sometimes and perhaps I can somewhat justify her reasoning and/or actions. But I get the feeling that either a lot of times she just doesn't get it or she just thinks I'm not justified in my position - or if I am she doesn't care. That might be reaching - but it's the way it feels sometimes. I also know there has been a lot of crap that is ultimately my fault going on lately that makes it virtually impossible for me to have a good position in any way, shape, form or fashion - and that gripes the shit out of me. And I'm really going to have to pull it out of the fire this time.
Update: 12:54am 4/13/2013
I find myself thinking some pretty outlandish things about what Shelly might possibly do...like tonight. Looking at texts and playing guessing games...how she might have sent Jolene on in the car to "run off to Brandon's" and been with Siobhan...well, little did I know that Christian was coming...but shit - some of this stuff is really out there. I mean, would she REALLY do something like that? And whether I knew about it or not - do I really want to know? Anyway...sometimes...it all goes back to an almost HELPLESS feeling I have due to what - these ToddCreated™ ShittySituations™ (actually worse than that)...that we've been dealing with for so long now (such as the house) and that the shit really is hitting the fan and I've got to pull out all the guns to put this one out.
Update: 2:00am 4/13/2013
I chide myself on some of these wild things that pop into my head sometimes. And yeah, some of them are really off the wall. But when she starts ignoring my texts and I see she's been texting Cali...yeah. I guess you can miss a few when you're looking at someone else's...which just aggravates the fucking shit out of me all over again. Rinse and repeat. Given the situation...however, unless Jolene's just run out of juice even she's not texting anymore.
Update: 2:12am 4/13/2013
It's things like that - that really make me wonder sometimes. And then my brain fog lifts and I remember he being mad at me over another "situation" I've got us in. And I shut up. For the most part. Sometimes it just simmers inside. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach. Other times I'm overwhelmed with sadness because I want to do something special for her to let her know that I'm thinking about her - and then I remember that oh, yeah...I've got us in trouble again because of the...or I didn't do sweeps...
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