This

Funny how I forget things.  Really kinda scary, in fact.  I don't know if it's a significant trend, but it could be.  If this is aging, I've aged a lot in the past couple of years.  More than I initially realized.  I say this because of what happened a couple of weeks ago when I started getting pissed about the "Shelly spend 24 hrs with Cali" incident.  Of course, it's not him - it's anybody else she spends time with.  But I digress...

I'm not quite sure how things will go moving forward.  I know there's a lot of anger and resentment and hurt feelings on both sides.  On my side, regardless of anything else, there's the  jealousy and resentment that builds whenever she gets so damn excited about fucksessions with anyone else.  I've often stated - and this is true - the very act of Shelly having sex with another man doesn't make me jealous.  However, the quality of time I spend with her during sex vs someone else - even if she only "sees" them every couple of weeks - is vast.  Whatever does or does not happen during these sessions - from degrees of passion/kissing/whatever - I can only imagine.  And that's one of the problems.  My jealousy level has skyrocketed lately.  The more it goes on, the longer it goes on -  I get more and more jealous and pissed.  I start distrusting everything she says and start doing things like checking to see who she has texted.  It leaves me unable to focus on doing things that I need to get done  For her part, yes - I can only imagine how it feels.  I'm quite sure that it happened the way she said it did over the past couple of years. Blah blah blah "distancing myself from you" blah blah blah "Love you but not in love" blah blah blah you do this and this and this and "maybe" I'll rediscover my passion for you both in the bedroom and out of it.

What I don't see is a tangible effort on her part to try and make our marriage whole again.  I see someone who gets a thrill out of fucking men 20 years younger than me and getting the ego boost from going from someone who had weight problems their entire life to suddenly being hit on all the time.  Yeah, who wouldn't like that?  I've been there myself.

So - I've got a decision to make.  I can keep my mouth shut and hope it's like she says - that she is "going through a phase" related to certain events that have happened in our marriage - work through it best I can without saying anything (for the most part) and hope that I have what it takes to get myself to the point where one way or another - disability/sweeps/whatever - I can provide for the family and She and I can rediscover ourselves to the point where we're both happy.  Or - I can tell the truth about how it bothers me and take the chance that, one way or another - that sooner or later this will just end it - or that she can take what I say and use it to improve things between us.  I don't know what to say right now.  Too much going on with house/car/finances. 

Honestly, I wish I could have kept my mouth shut and not gotten upset while too many other things were going on besides sexual jealousy.  But "it is what it is"...