Just Thinking Today...

Not just today...but it kind of sums it all up in a nice, untidy package.  All I've wanted to do since the "Labor Day Awakening" in which we had a big ol' fight and she wanted to divorce me (that was one of those lack of meds/tylenol pm rage things) is correct all the mistakes I made and just love her and be a good husband and father.  It awoke something in me that made realize how shitty I'd been all that time and uncaring and not wanting to do things, etc.  Of course, this was all followed up by the "cheating" incident which led to the "reconciliation".

Basically this:  All of this is the ANTITHESIS of what I wanted.  I just wanted to be good and this damn house thing, much less the "car thing" has led us down a path to where it was almost over.  Sure, we've fought a lot.  Perhaps I'm missing the point.   Perhaps that is EXACTLY the point.  Even though it's what we're fighting over now (besides her anger and depression over the house/car)  is how she's been or how she feels when she's with me sexually.  I got frustrated because it just didn't seem fair.  And then we moved on to the car/house thing - which is where we are today.  I may have a selective memory.  Or maybe I'll be sitting here 6 months from now wondering when it will change.  I don't know.  I do know this - things have to change.  I have to  start making a difference - in whatever way it takes.  And if that doesn't do the trick, I don't know what will.

Well, either one of three things happened:

• She talked him into going to the club?  I'm not sure how that would be or turn out - since all they want to do is fuck
• She decided to go pick him and go to motel room
• She was texting to try to talk him into it or something...I think I know from the balance on her card that she paid for the room.

Bear in mind I could be wrong.  But I think she went and picked him up and paid for a hotel room.  I think if she did, without telling me - I'm leaving.  Not that it would matter to her.  But it matters to me.  I told her I wouldn't say anything about going out - not this.  But it doesn't matter.

Am I prepared to leave over this?

Well, consider:

• She paid for the room?  I know he couldn't afford it two weeks in row
• Didn't tell me
• This wasn't something I agreed to
• Kind of sets the tone for the rest

And here I am worrying about the house/cars/and making myself respectable.  What a fool. 

Remember when I used gripe (mostly to myself) about sex time/etc and knowing I didn't have a "leg to stand on" so there wasn't much I could say?


Update:  she texted him twice at 4:50 am, right after texting me she was on here way home.  Not coincidentally, I believe - but was it "I'm going to a club will you go" and if not then on the way home I missed you?