Well, there's no question that this is the most serious test of our marriage to date. And I thought it had been stretched to the limit before. I hope that for the most part I am able to disconnect from it and keep my mouth shut/be cool/whatever. Obviously, there's some jealousy at play here. Also just a lot of worry. Not necessarily about Cali - although I have learned to never say never about things. A lot of times in the past - especially the past year or so - I thought I was under stress and had to "perform". Well, this is it. We have to be able to save the house and I need to get going with sweeps/disability/and "getting along" with whatever our situation is as it plays out. I guarantee you it won't be easy at times - but obviously I'm mostly worried about the huge issues like our house and the cars right now.
I will say this - IF we get through this - who knows? No matter what I do, unless it's something unusually spectacular to positive lengths as much as some of my negative stuff -it may never be the way I envisioned being when I wanted to "win her back". I just don't know, but I do know this. Too many times in the last 7.5 months I have had to reflect on a possible future without Shelly and Todd. And I don't like it - because they are all I have. Regardless of that, I need to be "mainstreamed" again, at least to some extent. These events have shown me (amongst many things) how lonely and narrow my life is. Perhaps the choice of words is not the best, but that's the way it seems.
No comments:
Post a Comment