A Lot Of Things

I certainly feel very guilty about lack of time spent in general with Todd - especially as we have spent a lot of time alone together over here.  Him staying up all night during those early rough days - kind of on the same schedule as me but me not sleeping mostly back then - opening cans of Chef Boyardee with wire cutters at all hours of the night because he was hungry.  Him insisting on opening up that RC car because he was bored.  I don't blame him.  He's had little human contact in the last few weeks.  And now, despite my guilt and not only his last few days before beginning 7th grade, but with me around him on a regular basis - it will be hard the next few days as well because I'm running out of medicine, and therefore time (at least up here) that I will be able  to at least have the ability to think clearly.

Shit.   Where has even this week gone?  Hard to imagine in a few days it will be three weeks.  Where do we really go from here?  I admit it's a little less painful to ask yourself questions, much less have discussions that lead to more possible questions/painful answers/no answers/more questions...but since I've done nothing except...this...I'm quickly running out of time.

Speaking of different things - I wonder what the purpose is of her mentioning Greg/etc.  Boys buying her drinks.  It's not like she needs to make me jealous.   Perhaps she thinks she's just being funny.  There's not always a purpose.  I don't know.  I never could figure out things, so why think I could now?

Lord, despite all of this, please help me to try to spend quality time with my son between now and the time I leave.  He is hurting throughout all of this in his own way, he always has.  I certainly don't want his last memories of me around him on a regular basis to be ones spent like they have been too many times - separately in the same house or whatever.  And please help Shelly and I get along, they both have been my life forever and I will be so lost without them.