Understanding.

As I sit here trying to make sense of things, I try to understand why - especially since it has been my failings over the years.  I'm quite sure that the loss of the house (on top of all the other stuff) will ultimately lead Shelly moving on for good.  Couldn't even bring myself to say "divorce".

Shelly wonders "why"? I wonder myself, but I know why.   Job - why never?  I mean, with the exception of trying to get that Search Engine Evaluator job - until a few weeks ago when Shelly threw down the date gauntlet of 8/16 (one month from 7/16) I had not even browsed jobs online.  Hadn't updated my resume  I felt helpless.  I desperately wanted nothing more to help/succeed/to be worthy of your love again - but everywhere I turned I felt more pressure.  We needed cars, and I knew our credit sucked and we'd never get financing.   Bills - even when we didn't make the house payment - we were overwhelmed.  Not because we had too many - we just screwed off so much.  I was so damn scared to mention anything bad about the finances after as angry as you got July of 2012 b4 the cheating incident because anything bad financially reflected on me and I knew that would just piss you off more.  I so wish I could have had a sit down with you about us managing our money.  Yes - I know anything that we didn't get to do or didn't pay was because I had a job, but right then - when we needed to get it under control - I couldn't talk to her

So it kind of boils down to this:

• I always sucked at it because I couldn't figure out how to apply my degree to do something worthwhile. 
• After the layoff in 2004 - once I didn't get a job or help I just started hating myself and trying to hide because I was ashamed. The longer it went, the worse it got.
• By July 2012 when you started the 2nd job at the paint studio - u were so fed up with me that u didn't want to give me pay from that job to pay the bills.  You cheated.
• We decided to move forward after that - but from the get go we still couldn't manage our finances.  I was too damn scared to bring anything up bad about our finances because I didn't want you to just leave right then.  So I hid it.  And missed the house payment  And hid that, hoping...something would happen good.  All this time knowing we'd never be able to finance the car/that you would blame me and that would be that.  
• Once we didn't get approved for the loan mod, I knew bankruptcy was the only option.  I was so scared about that house because I knew it was my fault.  I was just praying we had enough to file.  I was just hoping to be able to move forward after filing because finally it would be over with (foreclosure) and I could get a job at something so we could move forward.  Then came the Cali incident.  And I got so upset over that finally that I used bk as leverage and that was that.