Although perhaps that is a little misleading. Perhaps a lot misleading. In times where I'm not especially torn up or angry (which isn't a lot these days) - I understand why - although I wish she somehow would have found another way before resorting to what she did. She will never understand, as will anyone else. Especially about last fall. I almost stopped this post. As a matter of fact, I did - and then restarted it. It just started to sound like so many others. I think I have always gotten it. It's not me, it's her. And I understand a lot of things, but even afterwards - perhaps it just wasn't meant to be anymore. Someone has to be willing. Both have to be willing, actually.
See, I'm about to stop this post again. Because I guess it just doesn't matter. She will never understand about any of it and it's more than that. She still had anger issues with me over the previous years, much less last fall. But coming back from that. I was emotionally broken in dealing with it. blah blah finances, dealing with her stuff, feeling less than a man then boom behind on house and that was it. So what was different? She doesn't care that much for it to matter - and I certainly understand that after awhile, everything just sounds like an excuse and maybe it is. I was so alone last fall and was scared shitless she was going to leave at the drop of a hat. So I tried to maintain - but inside I was falling apart. The finances didn't get taken care of, I couldn't get a job because of everything, the house got behind because of it. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I didn't want any judgments against me for allowing it or Shelly for doing it, because I just wanted to overcome it all. And I couldn't. I had to hide it, living with the knowledge that if we didn't do something it would all come apart. When it finally did in late February, it wasn't as bad as I thought at first, until they told us there was nothing they could do to work with us. Then she just turned against me and started staying gone all the time. We argued and fought and that sent me into even a worse tailspin. The house - the cars - our day to day finances. Our relationship. Gee.
Update: August 22, 2013@ 11:09 pm
Funny - I go through the day now without looking at things and having everything remind me of what once was, and will never be again. Perhaps it's all the relentless bickering that seemed to end at least Monday 8/19 that evening. She's said all she has to say and I've said all I've had to say and it doesn't change anything. Not saying anybody's right and anybody's wrong. It is what it is. The seeds were sown for this a very long time ago. Perhaps I should have been able to rise above it all. Perhaps it was just "too late". Not saying at all she didn't have reasons - but I know it could have been handled differently. Then and last fall. Now - yes, now as well - but she still has way too much anger and resentment towards me. It's the same old story - she can hold me, love me to some extent, feel sorry for me, even have sex with me, but inside the story is still the same. As far as me, I'm sure she will always feel something. Even she says that and I know it's true, but in the end I'm the one who has nothing left. I know there won't be enough now or 6 months from now for her to magically "wake up" and decide gee, I miss good ol' Todd. As far as me overcoming all this? Well, I have no choice to - that or die. Or live a very miserable life until I do. I'm the one who no longer has anything and still don't have a job - I just won't have a family any more as well. I know these things in my heart. It's too late. And whatever I did - I'm ultimately responsible for, especially all the years in the past. It was going to be hard enough for me to overcome, but overcome all that emotional pain that was harsh and ongoing for months with no respite? When it seemed that I was just a fuckup and didn't care, but I was just dying inside even more? Who's gonna care now? I've often said that as difficult as the past 2.5 weeks + has been, this is the "easy" part, so to speak. They are still around to whatever extent. It's everything after this that will be even more painful than the worst painful moments I've had lately, or any from last fall. And there's nothing that can be said or done at this point to change it. Period. There is nothing that can be said or done to explain things that have happened. This isn't a time for excuses or explanations that will make a difference, because none do and none will. And that, my friends, is...that.
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