What The Fuck Have I Done?

In one fell swoop, I've lost my house, my wife, and my son.  All of my reason for living is gone.  They are all I had.  Everything I had.  And now they are gone because of stubborn jealousy.  For someone that is relatively smart, how can one guy do so many dumb things???  I've now lost everything.  The few things I had to live for.  Even my dogs will be gone.  My sweet, lovable, innocent dogs.  Gone because  I was stupid enough to push an issue that I was going to get pushed back on regardless - and because both of us were too stubborn to back down.  I couldn't put aside the jealousy and the hurt long enough to think of the ramifications of what we were doing.  And now it's too late.  The house will be gone in a matter of days and/or bills will need to be paid that can't be paid.  One week at the latest - and even FIOS would not last that long.

My god, how could anyone be so incredibly stupid and just utterly destroy the only good things in his life?  Everything is gone.  Everything.  Everything is gone and not returning.  Everything that was my reality is either gone or will be within a few days.  Just gone.

Well...perhaps 45 minutes later and the verdict is still the same.  Everything that I had is gone.  From my beautiful wife of 18 years to my son, all the way down to my dogs.  This would be bad enough if it was just the house.  But Shelly's gone for good and she's never, ever coming back.  21 years gone.  And not one thing I can do about it.  Not one thing I can ever do or say or buy or whatever to ever, ever, change her mind.  My girlfriend, lover, wife.  21 years.  Now just a memory, fading quickly in my rearview mirror as she goes in the other direction in a new life for her and Todd.  I really blew it this time.  This day, this week - this is what I've been dreading for the last year.  And not one thing I can ever do to change it.

The Gauntlet has been laid down, the signal has been given.  I know there is nothing I can ever, ever do to change her mind.  So - now I am 50 years old.  About to be divorced.  No job and haven't had one in 9 years and 4 months.  A vehicle that can't be inspected nor tagged.  Warrants out for my arrest.  Everything that I know and have known has either been ripped apart or shortly will be.  I don't know how I will ever deal with this.  The house - I don't take all of the blame but I might as well because I started it.