Well, nothing has really been said. I would tend to think that I could "have" what we previously discussed if I wanted to. No more, no less. I can't really see how that benefits me. I guess I get sex on a semi-regular basis. That's the good part, obviously. But the caring and attachment and...to a certain extent, jealousy? The pain? The realization that someone had a real opportunity to work on things without all this...nonsense and didn't do it? I see a lot of her points, I really do. But...
Can you imagine me having the balls to actually throw down that gauntlet like I did Saturday? I'm not quite sure what I was thinking, except perhaps to put down guidelines about what was fair. A chance to work on things without outside influences. I think what it boils down to - and she's not saying - is these "issues" she has..."not knowing what she wants" blah blah blah - she absolutely, positively wants to test the waters and that's that. That's what she is not telling me. Otherwise she would not be saying these things. I think this is where she was heading all along. Ever since the weight loss and corresponding attention from men. She wants to experience it and that's that. She's never come out and said it that way, I guess out of respect for my feelings. She is just not going to pass up that opportunity. I am now her "safe option", her "backup plan". Just in case. In case she needs help with anything or she decides that she does indeed miss me or love me enough.
I get the impression that I didn't have much of a chance at all over the past year - but she was willing to give it a chance IF I got a job. So the bottom line is - I could have gotten a job, continued to do everything within my power to be good to her, treat her right, love her - and still gotten left in the dust. I wonder now if she ever would have quit fucking on the side now - even if had gotten a job. I don't remember if we EVER discussed that - I just kind of assumed it. And like I say - at the time, I did not know there was going to be this wide discrepancy in what I got vs what everyone else got. So I guess I was wrong from the beginning about her intentions, and that's something I don't think I ever seriously gave much thought to. It was very simple what I had to do, and if I did it, we would be successful. Now, I didn't get a job - but I never considered the other. Even though she was a little intoxicated last night she still said "I don't want to fuck you all night". I consider that a slap in the face. And plenty of insight into how she really feels. Now get this - the part about being successful getting a job and treating her well but her still leaving is speculation. But the rest of it - as far as why she will not consider any other options moving forward and will not specify what these "issues" are...well, that's speculation as well - but I really wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was closer to the truth, if not spot on.
Regardless of what the truth is - she certainly is going about it the wrong way, in my opinion. When she talks the way she does Saturday night it gives me hope - and yet, at the same time - it is painful to not quite understand her intentions and hear her talk about "us" and what I need to do - but talk about remaining separated "no matter what" for a year. And exactly what does that mean? If she hadn't insisted on going over to the dark side ala Siobhan - she would have been willing to work things out a different way - then or now. And she's not, and she never will.
Update: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 @ 8:29 pm
After thinking about it a bit more, some of the language and thoughts above may be a bit extreme, but who knows? The main thing is she sounded so...wanting us to make it, and yet she is all but committing herself to a years worth of so-called "freedom". Well, I like the first part and can't stand the second. The majority of the second part I've already put up with the last year. And despised it. I just can't fathom "hanging around" for a year, trying to give it my all...I don't think I have anything to prove except getting a job and therefore being able to provide. Otherwise - what's the point?
Of course - like I say - a lot of that is just based on all of my insecurities. And why shouldn't I have them? Hell, the best sex we ever had was pretty much the only time we really had sex since the whole thing went "tits up" 2.5 weeks ago - but other than that - it seems like she enjoys sex more with anyone other than me, has so much anger built up inside about me (even before losing the house or lack of work over the last year) that I feel like I'll just take a beating. I'm surprised that she even says she misses me like she says she does - but still - as far as I know - she might not have done anything or slept with anyone since this happened.
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