What I Think, Seriously

I am still here for a couple of reasons:

• I've given Todd an alternative to Bill's.  It's kept him happier, to some extent.
• Cash 4 keys/money for both of us/helping Shelly transition to new place
• The hope that somehow I could work through the pain and come up with some kind of alternative to going down to Mom's - or at least to keep it to a minimum by giving myself some options to consider/whatever.  Job searching has been pointless.  Between my emotional state and illegal vehicle/warrants - there has been no point.
• Since my "rants" of last weekend - there hasn't been any talk of "us".  I mostly understand.  I think we both kind of know how we feel.  How I get myself together, I don't know.  I won't even have a place to live and I'm kind of up against the same thing you were up against until you lucked out and got some woman who didn't check your credit and you have roommates to defray cost.  I have no such options.

As much as it will hurt, I don't see much point in continuing this much as is after I leave.  Apparently I am virtually soley to blame - and I don't see it.  But it's not going to serve any purpose now or in the future.  You just can't see yourself as wrong at all OR one of the main reasons I couldn't get a job when I needed to this last year.  Any reasonable person who thought enough to stay together after the cheating incident probably would have agreed to do so monogamously.  And some other things.  You didn't.  You resorted to emotional blackmail, forcing me into it.  And you kept your foot on my jugular the whole time and it just got worse.  From the beginning, you humiliated me by telling me how much I sucked as a lover and didn't deserve the time you spent with the other guys.  What complete and utter bullshit.  And you STILL, to this day, refuse to acknowledge the financial aspect of it all.  Refusing to help manage the finances, you shoved it all on me to try to make it work but didn't try once to cut costs or manage things to get to a point where I did not have to deal with being completely overwhelmed by finances.  With the emotional things going on in our relationship and the finances, I was completely and UTTERLY overwhelmed.  And all you can say is "you should have stepped up your game".    You didn't want to make things work, you wanted to just keep blaming me for everything even after I was the ONLY one trying to salvage things and make it work.  That gives me so little to go on I question as to whether it would be worth it or not.  You mentioned it was 9 days since Cali contacted you the other day.  Right off the top of your head, so obviously it was something that you were keeping track of.    I wonder if you will know one day how long it's been since I contacted you.  I really, sincerely doubt it.