Well, if this is it...I mean - I just wonder if it was going to happen sooner or later anyway.
I know some of it is as it seems. Ultimately, she wouldn't have been around if she didn't care. There have been several variations of that statement tossed around when she's angry and/or drunk. I failed miserably, I think in the last 11 months. About the only positives (if possible) I think are I treat her much better and she knows it (with the exceptions caused by boyz sometimes). A lot of failure on my part, most of which stemmed from hangovers regarding finances starting July 2012, which not coincidently is when she started cheating. We started off pretty much right away in a situation where I felt I had to put on the best face possible for our finances, less she decide that our "reunification" just wasn't worth it. And I felt buried from the beginning and was. The crazy thing is that most of the scare had to do with the house, obviously - although everything else was always on the list as well. For the last 9 months I have been deathly afraid of losing the house - scared to death almost every day it seems. Petrified. And then - well - you know the rest.
I fully expect it to play out the way it is going. Like I've said - I wonder if it wouldn't have happened eventually anyway. I think if I had been working and still experienced 1% of the treatment I received as it was, I wouldn't have been able to accept that. I have nothing to offer except a 20 year history as husband and boyfriend and father to her child. I don't think she lost all the weight she did to stay with her husband. Whether now or at some "unspecified moment in the future" that's that and the show is over. There is nothing left or she still would not treat me like that and choose some fucking lowlife scum and her whore girlfriend over me. I can't live with some of the choices she has made, which are not rational. She wants to play more no matter how much I let her play anyway. And that's just the way it is. Focker's going to be out soon and he doesn't expect a chance to get back.
Funny thing is - and like I say, who knows - sometimes she surprises me. I think it is. She has been itching to do this and now she's got her chance. I'm pretty sure if for some reason the house sale was postponed - she wouldn't even want to get it back.
I've said many times - This is perhaps the easiest part of the hard part. Todd and I are still in the house with the dogs and shelly comes over - albeit only downstairs and the individual offices remain the same. it is hard walking around the empty bedrooms and kitchen and...the neighborhood. Not so much places like 7-11 for some reason, but Krogers - every time I go in there I'm a basket case. Thinking how basically a week ago this was unthinkable. That's the problem. And knowing at some point in the near future - one -three weeks maybe? I will be on my own. No place to live ...whatever.
This very moment - I am surviving. Perhaps a little more than that because I'm not breaking down. I am broken-hearted, but somewhat determined.
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