I Wonder WTF I Was Thinking

This time/any time I threatened to leave and/or left...if only for a little while...(which was very few) - wtf was I thinking?  Of course, there's your answer, most of the time.  I wasn't thinking - I was just angry.   Most of those times I had jumped to conclusions about things or gotten angry or angrier about something than I should have and got over it.  Very, very few times did something stand up where I actually made up just to work things out but kept to myself how upset I was, believing I was right.  And even then, I knew she had a point - if only because I still did not have ANY leverage by doing the things I should have done.  All I did was dig myself deeper and deeper into holes that I eventually could not dig myself out of.

Obviously I have felt ever since it happened that I never should have done it.  But she SHOULD have backed down.  She saw how upset I was and she could have.  Just this once.  Over a lowlife scuzbucket that never should have mattered more than me.  That being said, regardless of how upset I was, (of course - that's the whole point - being finally so pissed about Cali that I could take no more and being so upset that she wouldn't back down that I couldn't think or care about the ramifications until it was too late) I should have thought more about Todd - how he would be affected and that he was innocent in all of this.  Not to mention Shelly, who despite me being very angry with her - did not deserve it either.  And last but not least, me.  The one with the most to lose.  I didn't just lose a house - a place to live - I lost my wife and son, my family.  Forever.  If I get a job and move on, I won't be coming home to a family.  I'll come home to somebody else's house where I sleep on the couch for awhile.  Where I daily face the reminder of what I once had and is gone forever.  I don't know how zillions of other people have done it over the years, but they're not me.  I was/am in somewhat of a unique position - due to my unemployment and guilt and shame over that, what few friends I did have I lost contact with and didn't make any new ones, so Todd & Shelly were my entire life.  My entire reason for living.  And now they are gone as well.


I would sincerely hope it would make her better somehow that she doesn't have to put on a dog and pony show just to make me feel better.  Especially when she's probably 95% sure there is not a chance in hell of some kind of reconciliation.  Oh holy shit.  Try 99.99%, rounding up to 100%.  Even as stupid as I am, I can read between the lines.  I had these mental images, although they were of me magically appearing up here from Mom's every 2-3 weeks - not from here - but still.  Wait - no sex?  OK.  Damn.  Originally I had a problem with it when I thought there was sex.