I'm So Damn Stupid

I'm quite sure one of these days I will have the answer to the question I seek, and I will realize it was in front of my face all along.  Perhaps it was depression, love, blind devotion, stupidity???  Some of the above - all of the above?  It hasn't been easy for me to be able to step back and  make rational judgement calls sometimes as well.  I figure it will be just like all the other times - I will be in the process - and in the midst of what I thought was a remarkable comeback - I will be hit with the cold, harsh reality.  And I will be knocked for a loop again.  I think it's my destiny.  I just want to run, run far away without a further word or clue.  But I have nowhere to run and nothing to run in - at least not very well.  I can't see this ending well for me.  I just can't.  I lived with this same feeling for most of the last year, and I think it will only get worse.

I may even have my answer tonight.  See - this will never end until she puts me out of my misery or I just completely give up.  This is what I signed up for a year ago - and this is what I'm committing myself to (so to speak) for the undecided future.  Shit just like this.  No more, no less.

There's one drunken night out somewhere where you feel close or share some kind of feeling or moment - and you think you've turned the corner - and bam.  Next thing you know it's either complete cutoff or something.  I will drive myself fucking crazy... just like I did here in the early days.  Is that what I want?  No.  I chose that because that's the only option I was given.  And all I did was suffer, for the most part this last year.  Suffer.  Any clues as to why I have stroke level bp???  Gee - what do you think?

You know damn good and well she's been dying to "date" someone.  Just dying.  And date she will.  Not saying I won't have my conjugal visits for awhile.  But she is destined to break my heart again.  I just can't see where this works out the way I want it.  I know, somewhere deep down inside, that it won't.  It just can't.  What am I - so special that we, out of all the people this happens to - end up with some kind of fairy tale ending?  Better wake up from your dream, buddy.  Cuz that's more than likely what this is.