Without some kind of support system... I mean, what am I going to do. Come up here after living a couple of months at mom's and get some kind of place to live and get a job? Get a job, knowing how I will feel? No. I can't even see that. I just can't. I realize that's a knee-jerk reaction to a very traumatic emotional upheaval...but as I say. Right now - I don't really feel the pain. Shelly's coming over here every night almost, Todd's here...but I know it won't be for long. Probably one week. And that is just...well, I think the real pain will set it when they are both gone. Even for a short period time. When I go down there, it will probably be for weeks. At best. Hell, it's going to be bad. Just fucking bad for some time.
Update: Sunday, August 25, 2013 @ 6:19 am
As much as it bothers me a lot, I think I should know by now one thing. She's had her mind up forever about me, who's at fault ( me) how (by me not getting a job). Any kind of argument I make is either never, ever responded to (marriage counseling and/or some other way of doing things besides "Shelly fucks whoever she wants to, whenever she wants to." Nothing I have ever said. In person, via email, whatever has ever, ever led to any backing down, reconsideration of options, whatever. How that is supposed to lead me to believe there will EVER be a change, I don't know. It's not as simple as Todd gets a job. It was NEVER going to be that simple, so don't ever think it was or will be. Be it last year or at some point in the future. At some point, in order to restart things, there had to be forgiveness. A wiping of the slate to move forward. I had to forgive you for cheating. I realized there were a lot of things that led up to it. Not just a simple "mistake" or one time decision to do it. You flat out refused to ever do it. Hell, you refused to quit doing it, and I had to accept that decision to even get a chance. Your refusal to understand what it's been like for me the last year lead me to believe you don't care/think I'm lying/making excuses/all of the above/some of the above, whatever. It takes two to make things work and it takes two to bring things down. It did take two to bring things down. First me, then you. In no way, shape, form or fashion do I EVER try to absolve myself of the blame. And this bullshit about you not allowing yourself to "love" me. I can see that to some extent. Mostly it was you not wanting to give up that superb sex you say you have. Well, more power to ya. Every goddamn time I heard you say "Why couldn't you have been like this when I wanted you" was in the past tense. Not anything saying it would ever get better.
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