is why I'm wasting my time thinking about anything. I want to run so far screaming and just never come back. Which at this point...once I leave, there's nothing to come back to, is there? There's only one final step. And that's going to be taken one way or another very soon. How so very fucking stupid of me.
You know what? It might sound crazy, but I almost prefer the early days when it was just me and Todd staying up all night. It was...relentlessly depressing and sad, but this...is just cold hard reality. Nothing's ever going to change. And I know it. There is just so much that is just...I don't know. For me to think back "Fondly" on any of those days...well, that's just sad as well. There's nothing good about it. At all. I get sex every couple of days, but that will be gone in about a week. There's nothing left but the cleanup and the semi-tearful goodbye. I have no medicine left almost...nothing. I remember her saying she hadn't heard from Cali in 9 days. I wonder if she'll remember how long it's been since I contacted her one day. I don't like this at all. At least before, I had some kind of stupid hope. I don't have anything now. Somehow I hoped I would be able to work through the pain and somehow come up with something...I guess the same way I thought I would be able to the last year. It's funny, but somehow I miss the pain more than just having this...nothingness. That's kind of stupid. I would rather us still be together and have a house. Not pain nor this "nothingness".
In trying to understand all of this, I realize a lot of things. Was I wrong? Yeah, of course. I don't know what it is about me that couldn't allow myself to find a job. I was scared, scared of never reaching my potential, scared of getting another clerk job just to be another statistic someday in the next layoff. I've always been the one that had a degree that I couldn't do anything with. I always had the potential that I couldn't live up to. And it killed me. The rest I know. The longer I didn't have a job, the more guilt and shame I had and buried my head in the sand. It just got worse and worse. And I treated Shelly like shit over stupid things. Why I suddenly woke up last labor day weekend, I don't know. The threat was real that she was going to leave, I understood that. I knew she was no longer overweight and anybody would have her in a flash. But she just wouldn't forgive me - wouldn't let go of all the hate and anger she had towards me. And so she kept on doing "other" things - and by doing that, she kept her foot on my jugular. I was so paranoid in the first few months - and that's when we needed to come together and work on our finances. She still does not realize that our finances were bad simply because I didn't work. They were bad, but manageable - if we had tried and cut back on some things as necessary. If we had, PERHAPS - I'm not saying anything is certain - I could never say "without question" - if we had, and she hadn't insisted not only on keeping one on the side, but clubbing, trolling for cock wherever - always making sure I knew how many guys smiled and winked at her that day, always spreading the news to her friends that she was married, had a "boyfriend" on the side, and she was free to do whatever. Between that and the finances, I was just DOA from the word go on our "reboot" last September. And so on the surface, it just looked like "Oh, Todd's not looking for a job, he's lazy or just a fuckup". Perhaps I was - and am. I don't know. It just killed me every single fucking day to know I was one step closer to losing her and Todd forever. She just refuses to acknowledge that anything she did last fall was wrong on an ongoing basis. Be it working on the finances or just giving monogamy a shot. And while it certainly could be as simple as her saying I needed to have a job first, for one thing she always said the sex was too good with others and she refused to give it up. Even as a symbolic gesture to save our house. I look back to that day and I see several losers. Me and Todd - who is a loser in this scenario regardless of how you look at it, but I'm the one who had the most to lose and still do. Shelly gets a reboot in the house two doors down thanks to a loan from Bill. But that's ok - she has not one, but two jobs and deserves it. Giving me a loan, be it from God, Mom, whoever - would just be like flushing it down the toilet right now. She doesn't think about "us" and I don't really blame her - she has to keep herself together for Todd and to keep her life going.
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