Well, Gee...

I guess that I should have at least learned by now to "Never say never", especially with these thoughts racing through my brain:

• I'm fairly certain now at some point in the very near future, I will experience being divorced for the first time.  I'm almost positive that after the events of last week that this is something that we will never recover from.  I just know it.  It's the tone of her voice.  This is not something you can say nice words to change, buy roses, whatever.  It just brought to the forefront everything that she has not liked about me (for very, very good reasons).  The continued unemployment, the culmination of years of sinking from all this such as our credit, etc.  Sometimes, when I look at it from my perspective, I understand - but every thought that comes to my mind to defend my action (or lack thereof) now seems rather weak.  And that's true.  It never should have come to this.  Overall, in any situation, I have felt overwhelmed because of everything.  I know what I have felt like and have experienced - but is there any real excuse?  No.  Almost embarrassing, considering things like Todd's teeth hurting again (which I knew would happen and now it has).  Having looked over the JPS Connect forms, I know we do qualify even with Mom's money.  All I had to do was look and fill out forms.  They have a number to call for people to help you.  Should have taken all of one hour.  That's one of a whole shitload of things, from very very important all the way down the list.  No excuses, really.  Especially the house.  I am so utterly, utterly shocked and embarrassed  now that I ever could have used that as a bargaining tool - much less become so angry not to be able to see the ramifications of what would happen and not overcome it.  I am humbled, to say the very least - and for what it's worth, I put a lot of the blame on her as well.