Confused As Ever

But maybe not.  I don't know - I can't seem to get started on the things I really need to do - like Amazon job/etc.  I know I keep saying the Amazon job, because that is the only one I know of that makes any sense.  As of right now, I'm not sure how I can do anything, much less get a job.  I'm reduced to playing 1.00 scratchoffs now.  Does that make any sense?  Nothing really does make sense.  I wonder if someday I'll look back at these.  Anyway - I think I will put down some kind of timeline to follow because I just can't think.  I shouldn't be surprised -by that or the fact that she'll never be able to get past this, no matter what I could possibly do in the future - if anything.  And getting a job isn't anything special (it would be for me - red letter date - but as far as anything special for Michelle).

I can't believe that I did the one sure thing that was going to ensure that we would not stay together -and be the reason we lost the house.  Unbelievable as it is - I was that mad because of that dude.  That's how jealous I was and have always been in regard to that.

Anyway - I keep going back to my not only misinterpreting her intent, but me talking about sex like it was going to happen.  How embarrassing.  But that all goes back to misinterpreting her original intent - she really made me think I might have a good chance (these are my words - if I got my shit together).  I figure that's pretty much out of the picture - especially after I'm just an afterthought.  And that's assuming that I could somehow get a decent job.  I'm still not even sure that I could do that - but I figure the point is moot.  Yeah, she talks about "missing" and "love" but that's in a general stressed out sense and not anything major.

About the only thing I can do is take care of business as best as possible with the house (getting out of it)getting stuff set up for her as best possible on computers and stuff/helping with Todd - and being there somehow with no expectations of anything else.  And I will die.

It's getting harder and harder for me to remember stuff -even recent stuff- I wonder if something is really wrong with me or if I'm just getting old or stressed all the time.