The Next Day

I feel somewhat better.  I have no idea why.  The same things that tore me apart earlier are still there.

I still don't have a feel for things - Hopefully we (I) have through Tuesday, which would give 4 more days.  All things considered - that is very little time.  It's too bad I pretty much wasted 2.5 hours at the hospital this morning.  All I'm gonna clear up is the STD from that one.

And despite feeling "somewhat better" right now - that fluctuates (depending on the situation) and will continue to worsen in the next few days, I'm afraid.  Like when I know Todd will be gone soon - or even seeing Shelly or not seeing her - things around the neighborhood - etc.  I know how I am about things like that...

For what it's worth - here's the list:

• JPS Connect.  I don't know so much if it will be good for me or not - but Todd needs it for his teeth.  At least I can do that much.  I mean - if I don't get a job soon - there will be absolutely no reason/nor ability for me to even be up here - so JPS Connect would be worthless for me at least.  It's a lot easier to just go ahead and do it - may just have to go up there.
• Amazon position.  I want to do it - if for no other reason just to say I did it.  No clue if I could actually get that job or any other - but I hope that I do it for more than symbolic reasons.  I know it's kind of a long shot - have no clue on the timeline even if I did get hired.
• Vehicle - long shot - to do the old reset and drive get it inspected before the light comes on.  Still don't know how in the fuck I did it that one time.  But extremely necessary if I come through on one of my jobs and don't want to go to East Texas.
• Warrants - lawyer, whatever.   Don't know if even possible.

The thought that keeps cropping up in my head lately is this:

Of course, I'm running on little to no sleep over 4 days now.  Not to mention the ups and downs of one of the worst weeks ever.  Scared shitless - I feel all alone and scared.  See, that's another perspective issue.  I can remember thinking at various times when it look like without a doubt that I was going to have to find a job finally.  That scared the shit out of me.  Anything outside of the status quo.  I'm still running on adrenaline, or something probably.  I'm in one of those "time compressed" modes - where I know my back is against the wall and there are very, very long odds of success.  And it's one of those things where it's still a few days away.  But I guess that's why I also play the scratchoffs lately.  Hoping against hope that I win...

Anyway...at least before all this happened, for some reason I was kind of psyched about the Amazon job.  But that was being part of a family.  I suddenly see it as me by myself, living with one of our relatives or whatever...and that doesn't give me much hope.