Perhaps that will be the working title of the e-book that I will publish on KDP select soon, skyrocketing to the top spot and earning me the praise, $$, and worthy of my wife again.
I just keep thinking - and sometimes crying - about how difficult it is. Right now - as hard as it is - there's tasks at hand blah blah blah Todd is here - even though he's on the computer and I'm in here (which I would like to change - meaning spend time with him - whether it's watching tv or going 2 the movies, etc.) - but at least he's here and Shelly will be here on and off until...we wrap all this up.
And then it's all over. If ever I need the spiritual guidance, the willpower, the strength - it's now. I'll need every bit of it. Just to survive initially, and to do what now seems SuperTodd™ abilities, like being able to get a job. It's either that or die - and yet nothing will ever be the same again. Nor seem worth it again. It's not like I wasn't warned, numerous times. It's like I was in sound sleep, and she was shaking me saying "Todd, it's time to wake up. You've got to wake up now". By the time I heard her and woke up, it was too late. There was nothing I could do.
And that, my friends, is that. An incredibly cruel, cruel irony. From the guy who wasn't sure he loved a great woman who really did love him for a long time - to sobbing uncontrollably when she left. The email I sent today was from someone who saw the handwriting on the wall. There's no roses to be bought, no expensive gift that can make up for not just this, but a lifetime of fuckups. I guess I should actually feel fortunate that she wasn't a turd to me. That's how badly I deserve it. This isn't about the last year and who is right or wrong or indifferent. It's about much more than that.
I have nothing. Absolutely nothing left, except faded memories. She left me, but I feel sorry for her. Sorry that I fucked up her life for so long and could not do what I really, really wanted to do - make it up to her. I didn't - even a little.
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